Let me be clear. I did not mean to suggest that the "non-empathetic spouse" (NES) was NECESSARILY failing do everything s/he could for the pain patient. Rather, the problem is the spouse finds the patient's pain PERSONALLY THREATENING IN IT'S OWN RIGHT and so avoids deeply personal engagement.

A clear example in my case was when my wife was unable to perform some stretching exercises on my feet after my PT had brought her in for a session devoted to the topic: she couldn't bear to touch them. In fact, whenever I have come up with a reason for her to put her hands on my feet ("Does the shiny skin on my soles feel any different to you?") she has declined. It has of course interfered with our lives in what are perhaps more significant ways (my loss of physical/emotional human contact outside of therapeutic context) but it is her refusal to touch my feet that I find most telling. As through to do so might trigger the Vulcan mind meld.

THAT'S what makes the situation so difficult. And in order to get around it, the NES has to confront some deep pain in his/her own life.

Mike