NeuroTalk Support Groups - View Single Post

PegMeerkatz · 10-24-2010, 09:30 PM

I read all of your posts but yesterday WAS NOT the day for me to try to respond. I was busy having a TOTAL MELTDOWN.

I understand that all of mean well by your posts but there are times in our lives when our lives are not our own.

Take Nancy for instance. Sure I CAN FIRE NANCY - NO PROBLEM. But the reality is that given the extent of my disability I NEED HELP. Again because of the MS I live with my mom. I DO NOT have total say over who can and cannot come in this house - mom has the final word. So as I told Nancy my mom & I both WANT NANCY TO WORK HERE but mom will take ANY NANCY I want the NANCY that I hired years ago. The NANCY I have now is LAZY & UNCARING. Mom DOES NOT want some stranger from an agency to work here. She basically laid it out as "it's Nancy or no one" & if it is no one then I would have to go into a nursing home because my mom @ 80 years old cannot provide the care I need.

There are just so many things that I feel I know longer have control of (not just bodily parts) because of the progressive MS & when other obstacles are put in place it just compounds everything.

Take Friday... after doing battle with Nancy for 2 hours I HAD TO GET TO A 12 STEP MEETING. I am TRYING to leave & mom comes home & wants to help me organize my room she gets mad because I INSIST on going to a meeting.

I decide I will leave early run an errand & get some lunch; the meeting is @ 1 pm. I go to leave my condo & do to construction (that is now in its 8th year) I CANNOT get out the door because of construction tape. I break the construction tape & make my way to the van. They are supposed to be working on the sidewalks but for some unknown reason they are jackhammering in the parking lot BEHIND MY VAN I CANNOT GET OUT. The DO NOT want to move other construction vehicles so I CAN get out. I get a security guard & FINALLY get out of the condo. Where I live there is really only 1 parkway & one way off that part of Long Island. If you DO NOT get on the Loop Parkway you need to travel all across the island thru the streets to the next parkway. Some brain surgeon decided that they are going to close the Loop Parkway for 5 days for road work which means a much longer trip. But after leaving the condo I got gas & was told that the Loop Parkway WAS OPEN. I get on the approach to the Loop Parkway drive a couple mile THEN IT IS CLOSED & I am forced to turn around. The meeting I was going to is 20 minutes away by Parkway. Because of the Loop Parkway being CLOSED the trip took me 1 1/2 HOURS! I am a few minutes late for the meeting & get there just in time to hear the speaker talking about peoples purpose in life.

I finally get a chance to share & I say that I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE. Every day is just more physical & emotional pain & I get ABSOLUTELY NO PLEASURE OUT OF LIFE. I continue to say how I feel I go thru life with a "KICK ME" sign on my back because EVERYONE seems to thing they have the right & need to disrespect me. While I am speaking a man sitting to me starts speaking to the group about his MS. Now one of the 1st things one learns in 12 steps programs is 1 person speaks @ a time & no cross talk. I told this man to shut up. I then said that was a perfect example I never met the man before but he felt what he had to say was more important than what I had to say.

The ride home from the meeting took OVER 2 HOURS & when I got home there was ANOTHER LETTER from the building manager (the 2nd in 2 days) about my harrassing the construction men. The 1st day someone tried to run me over with a forklift because I DID NOT move fast enough & the second (Friday) I could not get my van out without getting security. At that point I vowed to just stay in my room. At least if I stay in my room it kind of limits the number of people who can disrespect me.

I called on Saturday morning to cancel my standing appointment with my psychologist. He INSISTED that I come in, RELUCTANTLY I WENT. A 40 minute drive each way took OVER 2 HOURS each way because of the LOOP PARKWAY BEING CLOSED.

The point of all of this is I have so many OBSTACLES in my path because of the MS then when I have an uncooperative PCA, endless construction at the condo & highways being closed it is all too much & NONE of these things are within my power to control.

The day I was born my biological mother made a decision NOT to keep me. She was going to abandon me in the hospital but at the last minute her sister took me & I was later adopted by her. (Don't applaud - it was a nightmare childhood). But since DAY 1 I have SUFFERED, STRUGGLED & BEEN ABANDONED.

Yesterday my psychologist read my the Long Version of the Serenity Prayer which he thought was wonderful. When he finished he asked me what I thought. I told him there were so many references to God & Jesus (I think the psychologist is very religious based on many things) that as far as I was concerned it was all b***s**t. The man looked like he had been hit by a brick as I went on to explain that as far as I am concerned THERE IS NO GOD; if there were a god then I would not have suffered for almost 49 years. I concluded a long time ago that if there were a god my "suffering account" would have been marked PAID IN FULL a long time ago. But each day, each month, each year brings more physical & emotional pain, loses & disrespect so OBVIOUSLY THERE IS NOT GOD.

I am tired. I have been struggling for almost 49 years (I will be 49 next month). I can't do it anymore. As I told my mom I have said for YEARS that I suffer from TERMINAL DISRESPECT & I am now reaching the final days of this terminal illness.

I DID NOT know who my bio mom was until I was 18 but she knew who I was all the while I was growing up & she took EVERY OPPORTUNITY to be mean & degrading to me. If my own "mother" could not love & respect me how can I expect anyone else to?

Lastly just a quick note to poster about Service Dogs. It IS TRUE what you say about NEW YORK LAW but the Federal Law is different. The ADA makes it clear that when the ADA & state laws are in conflict the FEDERAL ADA takes precedent.

I have been ignored & dismissed from other support places for my seemingly negative outlook on life (sorry but what is - is) so if you want me to leave I understand.