i'm sorry youre having such a hard time with this, Judy. I wish there was somethign i could tell you to make it a little better. One thing I tell myself when i start thinking "why me" is that i'd rather it be me than say, one of my neices or nephews, or my brother the runner. i know that may not help, but try to find at least one thing you are happy for, then another, then another, and pretty soon you may find the resolve to keep keepin on.

i wish the best for you and hope you can get some help, it seems like you could use an assistant or caregiver to help with day to day living.

as far as the legality of marijuana, if you aren't getting relief from the medications you are prescribed, i don't see a problem with getting what you need to ease your pain, legal or not!

take care and know that we understand what you are going through, pain-wise, family-wise, and spiritually-wise!