I totally understand where you are coming from...hmmm. So hard.

When my father had his big stroke and had chosen no life suport, it was only going to be a matter of days before his death.

SO...after a non relationship with him for over 21 years - I decided to go and say good bye and to tell him I had forgiven him and to go in peace.

My oldest sister refused to go.

My other 6 siblings had remained close to my parents for fear of losing their inheritance when my oldest sis n I in 80's chose to break open the family secret of incest.

Huge uproar of denials.

My oldest sis, K (a therapist) and I walked away from the family. Stayed in casual communication with a fw sibs off n on over the years. Very hard and sad.

So, when called about dad by my brother, I decided to go. For me.

My mother sat in the hospital room ice cold along with my most vengeful of sisters, the B, I call her. In her eyes, I am the LIAR. In my mother's eyes, I am the betrayer.

When Dad saw me, he broke into tears-couldnt really talk, so I pulled my chair up close and told him how much I loved him as my father, reminded him of the many great memories I had of him as my father and thanked him for having loved and cared for me.

As for the pain, I told him, "you may go in Peace, dad, I have forgiven you. "

He broke down crying and I, by the amazing grace of God, comforted him. I needed to thank him...for at least trying to be my father despite all his terrible trials of alcoholism and incest.

As I was leaving, my sis, the B, grabbed her purse and swung it at me with full force. I fell into the wall.

Again, full of grace, I turned and told her I was sorry her father was dying, that she had been a wonderful and faithful daughter, but this hospital room was not the place to start a fight.
I turned and left.

I am glad I went ... Im glad I forgave him...Im glad I let him go in Peace and love. Im glad I controlled the situation as I needed and wanted for my feelings, my concious and my life. I have no regrets. I can only grieve what should have been my rights as a child.

I wonder how my older sister feels by refusing to go and say good bye. I dont know. She followed her own needs and feelings; and I followed my own.

The decision, depth of family involvement, sense of responsibility, your own desire to nurture or be nurtured, and your own conscious belong to you, deja, do what is the most loving and peaceful, and you will feel yourself smile.

As I now think back on that moment...it probably was the most single and honest moment I ever had with my father...it existed in love and truth.

May God be with you always.