Thank you for all the wonderful letter, both public and private.

#1 I forgave my mom a long time ago. I believe Polio as a child caused her to have brain damage, and she simply isnt able to make better choices. Her choices still upset me, but I see her as a blunted child who is being taken advantage of by a sister who does know better.

#2 like all of us, i want to be loved, and respected, and welcomed by my family. I KNOW they are not capable of this, and its a fact I must live with. They view me as a closed pocket book. That I am sitting here on a hill of money and refuse to share it with them, even if its going to be used for drugs, or bad choices. I stopped sending support long ago to all of them.

#3 I love my mom. Even tho her choices, behavior and situation upset me greatly. She hurts me deeper than anyone else on earth. She is quick to cut me to the core, and quick to throw stones. After this many years I have to accept the fact that unconditional love and support just are not coming.

#4 to go would be for ME. it would be a chance to say goodbye face to face to my mom. I doubt I would ever make the effort to go again till after she passes, and may not even go then. Funerals are for the living, and I have no intention of showing up for the others. My mothers body wont even have a chance to get cold before the others strip out her house, and rob her blind. Not that there is anything of value left. mom hocked it all year after year to get my sis out of trouble. her house is filled with salvation army style stuff.

Nothing can stir up the BS after faster than my family. I have never been seen as kind, sweet, funny, dependable or a sister. I have always been mean, rude, stingy, uppitty and hoity toity. I have a beter education and rub it in their faces. I have more money and lord it over them. I have a solid standing in my community and never fail to let them know that I am loved everywhere. I am supposed to receive celebrity status where ever I go. They have no idea what they missed out on. its thier loss and I no longer lose sleep over it.

I still havent made up my mind, but would love to be able to slip in, and talk to my mom. I know it doesnt matter what I want. I will get there, and she will shred me. She will tell me what a bad person I am for not bailing out my sis. What a bad daughter I am for not living next door. What a bad friend I am for not sharing my pocket book, pill bottles, and community standing to make an easier path for my sister to walk on. I have no disillisions about being greeted as the missing child, the loved one who found her way home. it will be a tense and stressful meeting no matter what.

*sigh* who wants to adopt me as their sister?