i am trying i am trying.

i am binging on *everything* ... i am finding myself having to forcibly put things down... one night i ate to the point of indigestion.

i did have a shower today. and washed hair. i also saw a doc for a consultation regarding some blood values. she was so young (only 27!) but so incredibly kind, and reassuring.... she looked at all my labs too, not just the specific ones i needed her specialty for. it is a community service initiative sponsored by the town, for a couple hours a week and it didn't cost me one cent!!!! she took history and i have some sensitive history... she was very warm about it, she could tell i was nearly in tears. at the end i complimented her and also thanked her for choosing her profession and told her we need more doctors like her in this country. if i have money and need her specialty i will go to her clinic.

after i left i could not get the interaction out of my mind, but it was not a first...

this keeps happening, with many things, events, interactions... they replay like a broken record only they change, and the mental landscape becomes oddly frightening. like twisted shadows in a dark forest, cast by sidelong glances of the moon.

i am having trouble with feeling overwhelmed. today i was on and off feeling detached - but not the safe kind of detached i sometimes crave... the disoriented kind.... very close to derealization. it is unpleasant.

i have to remember i got through the class, i can get through the job. i had failures before, but really my conditions are much better now, than then.

and what is the worst thing that happens. back to the drawing board, send out the teaching resumes - which i now have ready in both languages, and have gathered some contacts. there are alternatives, there are byways.

i am terrified. i am doing those things i told Steve to do last night. i am also crying.

~ waves ~