I initially applied for SSDI nearly 3 years ago. My main disabling conditions are major depressive disorder, severe, recurrent w/ psychotic features and social phobia. I also have sleep apnea, obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes and foot/ankle pain when walking or standing for long periods of time. I was initially denied and appealed. I was also denied after a hearing.

I started out with a very supportive therapist. She is the one who encouraged me to apply. She also helped me get Medicaid disability when I lived in Indiana. She eventually moved on to another position so I had to get a different therapist who was supportive, but not quite as much so. I received psychiatric meds, but usually by nurse practitioners and there was often much turnover.

Earlier this year, I moved to Oregon. The only friends I have left were moving there and asked me to move with them. My therapist and my mom encouraged me to move so that I would have some support. They are letting me live with them free of rent in exchange for pet sitting and light household chores. I had to get a new therapist and a new lawyer.

My lawyer is currently working to try to get me another hearing. She called me a week ago and, after talking to my new therapist, suggested I find someone else. She said the therapist refused to give her opinion about my ability to work. The therapist said she believes it is unethical for her to do so. The lawyer also said that she had "one good report" by one of my therapists but that the rest of the reports were less helpful.

I'm calling around tomorrow to try to find a new therapist. I'm currently taking an experimental anti-depressant that hasn't been working well. When I started I didn't have insurance so the experimental program was free and even pays me which is why I signed up. The lawyer said the PhD at the study is being somewhat helpful, but she wasn't real reassuring about it. I have since been approved for the state's standard medicaid program and am awaiting to hear about my disability medicaid application.

I only leave my apartment for doctor and therapy appointments, to get groceries and to walk the dogs. I interact minimally with the roommates I live with and with my mom by phone every couple of weeks but have no other social interaction (and don't want any). I often have suicidal thoughts, feel hopeless and worthless. I have insomnia and a lack of interest in almost anything. I spend most of my days in my bedroom. I have been hospitalized twice in the past for suicidal ideation and a suicide attempt. I get food stamps for the moment but I think there is a work requirement. My friends have said they don't think they can help with food and I can't bring myself to ask my mom for help in that department as our relationship is tenuous.

I'm scared about looking for a new therapist and scared that they won't be supportive of my disability case. With the exception of my first therapist, people often get weird about social security disability. I'm scared about looking like I'm "shopping" for a supportive therapist and scared that a new therapist won't be supportive.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get approved and I'm struggling just to stay around to get to the next step.

Anybody from the Portland, Oregon area have any leads on supportive therapists/agencies that take medicaid?