Hi everyone
Im writing this as I lie in my bed in a house that is oh so quiet. The day outside it wet and miserable and making me feel somewhat fed up today!
But grateful that I have come this far.
I was an ordinary working housewife back in early 2005. My husband is a loyal caring and wonderful man and we were blessed with 3 beautiful daughters and 1 beautiful son, all of whom Im very proud of indeed. They are wonderful children who have looked after me along with their dad even in my darkest days. We are also blessed that one of our daughters, our youngest, has Special Needs. She is a wonderful young girl and a blessing to have in our home. So out life was fantastic, idyllic and happy.
Then out of the blue my legs hurt then my back hurt and in one foul swoop I couldnt move or walk. I was sent to see a fantastic Spinal Consultant who whipped me into hospital straight away and removed a disc which was pressing on my spine and nervous system. I had the burning, tingling, painful symptons which of course would be gone once the dreaded disc was removed! WRONG!!!! now that didnt happen.
I continued to have endless epidural needles inserted into my back assuring me each time I would be ok. But alas each time was as bad as the first time with no relief. This carried on until the end of 2005 when I started to also have stomach trouble. I was admitted for tests only to be told I had a low blood count (8) and that I had gall stones to boot!!!!.......I was scheduled to have a spinal fusion in early December L4/L5 only for that to be cancelled as I lay on the theatre trolley. I was devastated. I was sure this was going to put me on the road to recovery. By now I had lost over 45lbs in weight, not a lot you might think, well I was only 135lbs to start off with. I began having awful thoughts , I was crying all the time, I couldnt accept that I was now a delapadated woman and nothing was working.
In early Jan 06 I was rescheduled to have my Spinal Fusion done. I was now in the depths of depression, however, I didnt realise it then. I lay in my hospital bed with my morphine pump at 4am wishing it would all just end and my suffering would be over. I couldnt eat, sleep, think, or even care. I begged the Consultant to let me go home to my family where I knew I would get better in their care.
After being at home and eventually having the strength to walk and try to get back to some sort of normality I had to undergo another Spinal Fusion in June 06 at level L5/S1. OH how I hated going back into hospital. This operation again didnt help. I was now worse off that I had been at the very start. Now I was having all sorts of pains shooting down my legs and across my back. I was on a coctail of tablets and medications that I didnt know whether I was coming or going.
This went on for another year when I just asked my Consultant to TAKE OUT the metal in my body. I didnt find I was having any benefit from it being in there I WANTED IT OUT!!!
So in Aug 2007 the metal was taken out. I continued to 'live' my life.I couldnt do anything. I couldnt be a proper wife to my husband or mum to my children. They were rallying around me. Life just felt so bleak.
Soon I was referred to the Pain Management Clinic. I was told that basically all they could do was try to manage my pain. I was so sad to hear that after all I had been through that this was it.
I had various new meds, rhizotomies, spinal block injections, epidurals, lignucaine and ketamine infusions, Lidoderm patches....you name it I had it all to no avail. Then my Consultant mentioned the SCS!!!!
This was my light at the end of the tunnel, this was my haven.
So I went through the rigerous tests and psychie tests to be told, NO your not mad, your in pain.
I was scheduled to have my trial done in April and oh how good did that feel. I had it for a few days and I felt wonderful, relaxed even. It was great I WANTED IT NOW!!
But I was told I had to wait as my Consultant was away thru June/July so it would be August before I would be implanted. Can you imagine how I felt, that after 5 long years there was finally something to help me AND I HAD TO WAIT nearly 3 months.
Well during that time I became a nana to my first granddaughter, which was wonderful and took my mind of the waiting.....
So eventually on the 5th August that day finally came. Im now 19 days post surgery. The SCS is doing some of the work. It does need some tweaking here and there and I want to have it TURNED up so that I can get rid of some of the horrible sensations I have at the back of my legs. But so far Im being optimistic.
Ive read lots of your stories here on this forum and Im encouraged that this is what Ive been waiting for all this time.
I used to wonder if there was a GOD up there watching over me. I have always tried to be a good person and to have to endure all this pain I have found it hard to keep believeing. Even though HE sent us a beautiful daughter with Special Needs I do at times feel , well we were picked for this as we are strong people, we can do this.
So now as I type here this morning, after sharing my story, I realise that me being fed up this morning, Is NOTHING , compared to that awful depression I felt back in those dark dismal days. You know I often say, oh I feel a bit depressed today, but hey, thats not depressed thats just a 'down' day.
I hope that my story is of some benefit to some people. You know during those dark days there was no light at the end of the tunnel, but today, yes there is. I know that Im on the road to recovery. I know that I can turn my life around and try to be more active and get on with this wonderful life that GOD has given me.
I pray that you all will get to a stage where you too can be grateful for the wonderful life you have and that your pain and suffering will one day be pain and suffering of the past!!!!
Thinking of you all
Jackie
