i agreed to shaving off even more zoloft ... we may want to taper it right out if i am not frankly depressed, we haven't talked about that. but he wants me on depakote yesterday. he said "don't you REALIZE how effervescent you are???? what you need is a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant!!!" boy i've never seen him get that vehement about meds. it really seemed something must have changed from last week.

i had been getting racing thoughts and another possible st, and told him that last week, but at that time he felt i was ok, other than good idea to shave off some zoloft - which we did.

this week, he says i am still lucid, and seemed surprised that i was like - reallYY? depakote? - he almost told me off in a way, because he says i am exceptionally self-aware. but maybe right now so much is going on it is hard for me to see the forest for the trees. there's SO many trees dang it! and i go through so many emotions i don't know what i am, honestly. my answer to his didn't i realize, was "yes - no - maybe - i don't know - it VARIES!" to which he said, "case in point!" LOL! i thought about it and last night i did realize i am experiencing *everything* very intensely even though i'm not having real weird stuff happen.

he got very stern at me about some things going on at work ... apparently i'm joking around too much - i'm getting lots done!!! other ppl joke. i don't know if he's overshooting coz he's not there or what, but for now i will take the meds and see. maybe retrospect will be more telling or something. or just lowering or removing the zoloft could be enough.... but maybe not fast enough.

past couple days i wore myself out physically bigtime. also had very very little sleep this week for a variety of reasons - mostly busy. and i am getting a bit sick. (tummy, throat/nose). so perhaps no suprise i guess that thursday and friday i was pretty "flat" the first half of the day... made me think... hey wait, no way i am hypo! also i felt very cold. but i think that confuses things more than anything else.

important is to keep job. so whatever, bring on the meds.

i have been frantic about Christmas. no time for cards, presents, etc... only doing one project for my parents and i don't know if i'll finish in time. today they each separately reassured me not to worry about Christmas. to write them a nice card, it's the thought that counts. that was kind of them.

i have had a lot more to do - including fixing some of my clothes to wear to work and helping my cousin and running around to sign contracts (yes! through June 30, for the moment! but still...)

~ waves ~ sorry for rambling a bit. i am tired and excited and lots of other intense things all together but still tired. bed time.