I am in a bit of a flare, and am having quite a few issues, but this time of year tends to be hard on me.

Daddy's b/d is the 24th. He is gone and I miss him each year. I was hard on him and wish badly that I could go back and eat some words, and add a few kind ones.

My grandmother was buried on the 21st of December 1983. 5 days before my son was born. She never got to meet him, and each year I wonder about what their relationship would have been. it was her first grandson and she was so excited to get to meet him. They crossed paths and never got to meet.

My son's b/d is the 26th and while he gets cheated each year with those combo presents I worked hard to make each b/d as special as each Christmas. The last two years he has been dating a very selfish woman who ties him up for each holiday. He missed Tday here, and now he has missed Christmas and the latest phone call said he would see me after the new year was here. This girl is bad news and it breaks my heart that he keeps going back to her after she drags in strange men and burns his belongings when she feels like it.

I am not anywhere close to my own dysfunctional family. its been years since I have seen them, let alone celebrated anything with them. We moved to the back woods to stay close to DHs family but we never see them! They never visit and we never visit (husband goes once a year to hunt) so I am now stuck in the back woods of this town that I dont like, and I want badly to move from.

Lately my head is swirling with thoughts of running away from home. I have been married for 23 years and have a great husband but I am so unhappy. I feel isolated and trapped out here. This town has nothing but snow and hicks. In the summer its filled with rich folks that have more money than common sense. its not a good fit town for me. I cant find a church i like, I cant find volunteer stuff that needs or wants me, and there is no one my own age to play with. All my friends in this town are over 70!

Why does this time of year bring out such sadness? Growing up the only present we would get was gingerbread IF it was a good year. We were lucky to have shoes. We really didnt celebrate the gift giving season, we celebrated the birth of Christ, even tho we knew he wasnt born on this day.

Am I alone? I see so many of you dancing around the holiday trees and big smiles on your faces and talking about family and presents and visits from out of towners and it makes me feel even more isolated.