I can so relate to the depression.

I am having a bad MS day following a bad MS night. Did not get much sleep no company just 1 person who woke me every time she used the rest room (at least 4 times) I COULD NOT sleep soundly as my mind drifted back to Christmas' past & what might be in the future.

My mom turned 80 on December 9 & while she continues to run all over & be all things to all people in the last year that we have lived together I have seen her deteriorate medically & there is a sadness in her eyes. Having suffered so much sorrow & loss in her life she says she is tired & does not want to continue. Not worried about her taking her own life but feel in my heart her spirit is broken & she will soon leave me forever. As she opened her gifts I thought of Christmas' past & how she tried to make my childhood Christmas' brite though money was scarce & her husband always drunk.

I looked back into the vacant eyes of the child I was at 9 when I learned there was NO SANTA CLAUS. We went to a holiday party we attended every year & when I sat on "Santa's" lap I realized that WAS NOT Santa but my mom's drunken husband, there was no getting around the smell of stale cigarettes & cheap booze.

I had to make some tough choices. I have been verbally abused by my bio mom since earliest memory she is my mom's sister. When I was told she was my bio mom her needs came first not mine. For the next 30 years I tried to mold her & my siblings into the Waltons to only be abused time & again. The last time I heard from her was I moved 2 years ago. I got a short email "heard you were moving send new address". She sent it on my birthday & never even said Happy Birthday. The last time I heard from my sister was when I was verbally attacked & ostrasized from the family for revealing something I DID NOT know was a secret. Through her lies & deciet I was alieniated from my oldest brother the last 4 months of his life & most of the family is still not talking to me.

This year bio mom & bio sister sent gifts. I set them aside as I opened my other gifts. I had a decision to make. Then when my mom asked "Aren't you going to open them?" I thought a minute & said "No" if I open those gifts I am just getting caught up in all the mishagosh that has practically destroyed me these past 49 years I CANNOT DO IT. The gifts remain unopened; the mishagosh is out of my life but I have another reminder that in the not too distant future Mom is going to pass & I will be totally alone. I watch as she opens her last gift from me & wonder if this will be the last Christmas we spend together. The future is so uncertain & terrifying.

I lost the spirit of Christmas back when I was 9 & never regained it. I converted to Judaism when I turned 18 but now do not practice any religion and am not even spiritual. Christmas is just another day for me, I celebrate it out of respect for my mom but what if this is the last Christmas we are together?: