BlueM, I haven been here before but looked in and read last posts here. I am 59 to give you some history. I have had periods of dark thoughts lately with my chronic illness taking more away from me. But before I was ill, when I was young I went thru times espcially very young that I felt somewhat like you. I was very very angry at my parents, maternal grandparents for failing to keep me safe. Putting anger out in the world may be frustrating for others but it is better than keeping it in.

You may have every right to be angry at your parents. I certainly did. Some days I still have frustration with my mom when she is unable to communicate with me but will with my brother. She feels guilt around not protecting me so it is easier to still after all these years keep me at arms length. Thankfully I became just the opposite and keep my girls and grandbabies close and love them up every chance I get.

Go into the world and find what makes you comfortable and one day happy. It may take some time and be opposite all that is around you but you can find it. I discovered that writing had a chemcial affect on me. I'd wake full of emotion, energy even and I'd take some paper and start writing with no purpose or goal. Years later now I have my journal by me all the time. It is my trusted friend.

When I hear the phrase "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I remember a couple times that the pain was so overwhelming it didnt feel temporary. It felt endless and hopeless. But I am here. I have 2 amazing daughters and 5 grandchildren that give me hope and a sense of faith in tomorrow when I have trouble getting there now that I am ill.

I am sending you a gentle hug. Some times when I am alone and need a hug I have learned to have a special blanket and comfey cllothes to wrap my self in for that needed hug......and love.

Annie59