Wow, iowagal. You've got a lot on your plate.

It sounds to me (I'm not a professional) that you are hoping for something to officially "break" so you can feel better about leaving him.

That's what we called it when my mother's Alzheimer's worsened to the point that she wasn't "lovable" anymore. No one dared make her angry by suggesting she move into an assisted care facility, so we waited for "something to break." Finally, she fell and broke her hip.

That made it okay to put her somewhere because it was in her best interest (instead of us being too "selfish"/overwhelmed to care for her.

When I reach a point that I'm just so confused (as you seem right now), I ask myself this question: "What's the worst that could happen?"

If you stay, you know from experience that you'll feel terrible about yourself because your DH isn't the same man you married.

If you leave, then what? What's the worst that could happen?

I know a member of this message board who finally got the guts to leave her uncaring, domineering husband after 30+ years of marriage. She has peace in her life now and feels better about herself than she has in years.

I hope you are able to reach the decision that is right for you, iowagal.

Keep posting, as this is a great sounding board -- lots of great and caring folks here. Blessings to you!