back today with a little more energy....needed to add more to get out some of my pain.... feeling as lousy as i do physically is hard enough..not being able to have control of body and mind together is scaring the poop out of me..david and i did have a very special bond for so many years that i am so lost and tired of fighting for people to actually hear what i have had to say about his care..and in the end that is what caused him to leave me before his time..if his illness had taken him i would have been still devastated over his passing but it would have been able to let me celebrate his life..we were robbed of still so many happy times together..he was finally going to be able to do more things that before were impossible for us to do...this seems to be alot of why i feel so responsible for failing him...failing myself..
i am breaking apart piece by piece...and without him here to give me my purpose back to me...i am failing him,myself and so many others...want to not care and give into the depression and pain of so many losses(body included) ---do i try to go back to work and function???will it make things worse(mentally and physically)????? probably....can't make a decision of what to do--- can't function well at home...cancell so many appts-- cuz i just can't go....how can i even think about driving and concentrating and be responsible enough to do my job correctly and get home safe???? enough for now....mind spinning....always seems to go round and round iin circles and winding up in the same place....with more feelings of failure..... off for a nap..thanks for letting me vent ..not sure how much sense i am making..OH WELL..... see what tommorrow brings...hopefully more peace of mind and soul.....linda