i have had a disappointing day and it's all my fault. i should not have put all my eggs in one basket, or looked to this UCLA appointment as my big white hope. I had high expectations because I thought it was the light at the end of the tunnel. the appointment was the single worst doctors appointment that i've had. for the record UCLA specializes in myasthenia gravis as part of their neurology department, but here was my experience...first, 2 apprentices came in and took my "story" about my experience; they bring it to the doctor; then the doctor comes backs with 6 people, so they can listen and learn and the doctor proceeds to tell me that based on the history provided he doesn't think that i have myasthenia gravisat all and i should put it out of my mind; rather, he thinks i have major depression and as i am getting older it is expressing itself in different ways. first of all, it would be great if i didn't have myasthenia gravis, but i would like to know what it really is. telling me that i am depressed because i have a history of dispression doesn't solve the problem. and to be honest, i understand the mind and body and heart are all interconnected and it's entirely possible that my messed up life has had an influence on the workings of my mind, body and heart; but, that's not the answer. i am not buying it. i don't even feel depressed right now, or even for the past few years. i am independent, i apply myself, i am constantly growing, i have friends and family that love me and whom i love, i have positive outlets for when i come accross challenging situations, and i've learned to communicated way better when i am frustrated. that to me is not depression. depression is unmet expecations. for example, right this exact moment, i can say i am depressed about the way the appointment went, but i am not depressed in general. it is situational. i am not a depressed person. i am happy. i am positive. it was very discouraging to hear that evaluation. the doctor re-ran a couple of blood tests that were done 3 yrs ago to double check that i don't have myasthenia gravis basically to cover his azz and wants to re-examine the muscle tissue himself from my biopsy in Oct. and that was it. now he reports that back to my neurologist and we take it from there. i am thankful for my neurologist because his goal is to get to the bottom of what's going on and i know he will.

today was really frustrating. i felt so pigeon holed. i just want an answer and to get better. i am so tired of feeling weak and fatiqued. today put a dent in my hope. i'm gonna go read some quotes to inspire myself.

i have my next appointment with my neurologist on 1/25, we'll see what he says and where we go from here.