I dont think I'll ever get over it. I wanted to share the joy of childbirth with my husband....after numerous surgeries, procedures and other awful stuff, it was never to be.
I did have a child when I was 17 years old....under horrible circumstances. I was dumped by an older man....I'd just lost my home to a horrible flood in Loma Linda Calif....my folks told me I was old enough to find my own place, so they turned me out. Finding "love" or someone to love me only proved to be one long heart ache. I struggled through the entire pregnancy. The older man dumped me and I had no where to go other than home for unwed mothers....Booth Memorial Hospital in Los Angeles in 1969.
I was pressured to give it up for adoption...but I insisted on keeping him.
My parants disowned me and I had no one to turn to.

3 years later I was lucky enough to marry a wonderful man who took my son as his own, but no matter how much he tried...it just wasnt his child. My in-laws told me they would never accept my son as a grand child.....many more tears shed!
My mother told me it was Gods way of punishing me for having sex out of marriage. I took it hook line and sinker and knew God was mad at me.
The delivery was very traumatic....I ended up getting overdosed with Pittosen, and after his birth I had 5 packages of sutures to sew up one ripped bottom. I ended up with a whopping infection...I went to work 2 weeks after his birth....how else could I survive as I was too stubborn to accept welfare (something I now regret) and standing on my feet long hours just days after giving birth only caused more problems.

Years later when married and no baby on the way we started out with the basics. My husbands sperm count was too low....caused by a vericocele, basically a vericose vein in his sperm sac that killed them all. So he had surgery, but his sperm count was never shoot the moon high, but good enough for a pregnancy.

2 years later I had surgery to repair my damaged fallopion tubes.Husband surprised me with a Caribbean cruise scheduled a month after surgery...timed perfect for conception. I even purchased materinity clothing, baby stuff....I just knew I was going to be blessed.

Then more surgeries to repair adhesions, many many DNC's and
$20K...Motorola refused to cover infertility work up so this was out of pocket expenses for us.....Those were the good old days!
Years later still no pregancy....nothing worked. I turned to God...perhaps he would forgive my sinful ways (I had sex twice...what a bad girl! Or so my mother tried to shame me into thinking) Still no pregnancy.
I began having awful bleeding....OK...it was call an ambulance type bleeding, hold a towel between your legs type....more emergency surgeries.

Dr Benita Villaneuva in San Diego...a leading infertility doc sat on my bed after I woke up. He took my hand and told me that I would NEVER acheive a pregnancy....to just give up, quit spending money and accept it.
We turned to adoption.....very long story....ended up in Mexico, adopted an 11 YO girl, then a 4 year old girl. Closed the orphange where the kids were being sexually abused....a true nightmare and news media frenzy back in 1982

He was right...a year later I had a total historectomy. This was the end of the road. But having the adopted girls diverted my attention....a little.
But it wasn't a good experience. Sadly we learn now the girls are grown, gone 100% out of our lives....they were damaged beyond repair. They have the failure to attatch and did not love us in return.
We don't even rate Mothers/Fathers day cards...oh well.

We tried our best...but the older girl drank herself into coma's at age 12.
We paid for inhouse treatment twice. Her drinking never stopped.
The youngest was a compulsive liar with a constant need for attention.
We kept trying, praying....thinking we would over come all this.
Our lives were filled with turmoil and stress. We were strong Christians, put all 3 kids in Christian school. My husband nearly died from mouth cancer....what an ordeal we went through.

Dont think for one second that having a child like that satisfied my longing for a family....I spent several hours sobbing about all this just 3 days ago.
My life has been filled with so much sadness and regret.
No doubt the cause of my immune failure. I also beleive the long term stress from the girls was the last straw for me.

The youngest robbed our home, stole a lot of $ from our savings account....then lies about being abused in our home...yes...I admit...4 times I slapped her face when I got so frustrated for her constant over the top lies. If you call that domestic violence, then so be it. But this girl has been in trouble with the law numerous times for filing false rape charges......5 or 6 times....do we see a pattern here?
She met a very nice guy who makes a good living...claimed she was PG, after knowing him a month....he married her....funny....her pregnancy was 11 months long! She claims its true....yeah right, if you're an elephant!
But her husband beleives her as does his family...so she's isolated us from them as she fears we'll tell on her. Now her child is very ill....claims he has 106+ fevers daily, grand mal seizures, asthma, allergies, brain tumours, epelipsy, severe food allergies....with an IQ over 200+. hmmmmm! Do we see Muchhausen by Proxy here? I'll let them figure it out...I'll just sit back and watch...I dont want any part of telling.
And her second baby....at first was triplets....then when only one could be found on ultra sound...she had some lame excuse...claimed she lost the other two...then the baby was going to be born without a brain. So during this pregnancy she got all sorts of sympathy...everyone just adores her cunning ways. Her church memeber rally round her, but...mean ol me....didnt beleive all this. When the baby was born normal she claimed God created a miricle knowing she couldnt bare having 2 ill children. The lies continue....so how can you have a relationship with someone like this? Its put a major wedge between us.

We never pressed charges for her theft and burglarizing our home and stealing from our savings account...she thought we'd never miss $10K, well duh!
It just turned out so ulgy and so sad for both my husband and I.
My son is very disgusted with the girls as well.....he told me he is angry with us for messing up his perfect life....why did I bring those two awful girls into our home? He is right. Our home was quiet, full of peace and content.
The moment we brought the girls into our lives it turned ugly.

Please be careful what you pray for! Adoption has too many ugly endings.
I've heard of a few good stories....but not many.
We did our best....I mean it....we really did. Only when the youngest got older (16) is when I became furious with her over the top lies, then I'd lose control and rage...then slap her face for the lying. I had tried counceling, praying....nothing worked. This was the begining of my illnesses....she could care less about me....if I were to drop dead she'd be here in a heart beat for the "Big Grab"....but she will have a surprise when our wills our read!
They will receive $1 each.

You may think this is mean...but if you knew how they really treated us, you'd understand. We gave our "all".....we loved more than we should have. We gave more than we should have. They came from complete poverty and lived a life of priveledge in our home.
I dont know why my life had to be such a long sad ordeal. God has lots of 'splainen to do on judgment day! Maybe then I'll know why.
Blessings, cheryl