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In Remembrance
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,002
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Dear Victoria!! Dear, dear girl!
Mother / daughter relationships really throw me! I have two girls, and if you listen to them, sometimes I'm wonderful, and other times I was the worst mom ever and abused them so terribly! (Abuse by designer shoes and a weekly housecleaner for their room. To that, my eldest would say, "mom, you always think you can BUY our love! You are so out of it!") So the chasm / argument / trying to love them goes on...
With my mother, I cannot speak my mind, she literally makes up history (such as yours of the "five years living with them" kind - she thinks she paid my way through law school, and I can document that although she co-signed for the initial semesters, by mid-semester EVERY penny was paid to her by me from scholarships, my work income, etc. But in her mind, well...you already got it on your end.)
A great psychologist explained this to me:
I cannot change my loved ones' minds or beliefs, especially as to facts in the past. Ok? No can do, no amount of arguing or real PROOF will change what these beloved egg-heads believe. BUT, what we can and should do, is say, "I would like to have a relationship with you. I don't want to talk about the past ever again - at least not the contentious stuff - I want us to take it from TODAY, take me at my age now, and I want an ADULT, LOVING and "FRIENSHIP" type of relationship with you now. I want you to think about this - and decide, do you want a relationship with me? What would it look like to you? (Calls how often, meetings, etc. My mom can go 6 mos. without seeing / calling me, so for her, I said I wanted more friendship calls. Just talking about local news, like friends do.)
When you pose it that way, the argument about how long you've lived there, etc., is now moot, gone, and you have moved them into the PRESENT and also, sort of made them ACCOUNTABLE if they start throwing crap at you from the past again.
Now, for the future, IF your loved one starts criticizing you, or whatever, you learn something like, "Oh mom - my neighbor's at the door, let's talk later." GET OFF THE PHONE, or get out of the scene. Almost look at it like your loved one has this illness, you can't change them, so the KEY is to REMOVE your body / mind from the situation WITHOUT REACTING TO IT AT ALL. They "get" you if you react. Don't get drawn in. And then, take as much time avoiding them as you need, to heal and protect yourself. This will eventually TEACH them what you will and will not tolerate, without you having said a WORD! (Yes, sometimes easier said than done, but it DOES work after time. Time is key. The "avoiding time" without falling into the trap of arguing about the sufject is POWERFUL if you use it.)
Sometimes, parents are so toxic (or kids) that you may avoid them for very long times, for your own good. Ask yourself, would you want a loved friend of yours treated like that? Wouldn't you stick up for her, and say, you don't have to take that? Then just do it for yourself. Fiance taught me that.Fiance's family is SO supportive with eachother - I had NEVER experienced this - or seen it - and when I did, (and still do), it is SO different than my mother and her family and my deceased dad's family. My "group" almost acts like they are jealous of me all of the time, finding all sorts of ways to say things and do things to make me feel so sad and unloved. It is still hard for me to handle it - I'm like a deer in the headlights - they say some really offensive thing to me, putting me down, and I just am silent!!! Later, alone, I consider it, and think, "why did I not stick up for myself? Why do I compliment them, give them gifts, "do" legal stuff for them, over and over when they go and cut me down again? WHAT is wrong with me?"
My cousin, who I have not heard from in 4 years, (since being sick), called for legal advice, and when I was through and started to talk about how I was doing, she said, "gotta go, so busy, and you know, my back hurts sometimes I just think I'm old! God, it is so bad, I can't believe it!" And then she said one of my family was defending my "drug use." "Isn't that funny that he of all people would defend you?" I was more shocked that my family was apparently criticizing my "drug use", and my one cousin said he thought I had a lot of pain...I've always said,
"With family like mine, who needs enemies?"
The hurt never fully goes away, does it for you?
Thanks for letting me vent!!! I TRULY hope that your life now becomes more pleasurable and content. God bless you sweet soul, and I am really sorry this recent event occurred.
ps don't know why the color kind of went too far
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