Desert flower,

Many physicians don't like or want or know how to address their patient's life, and the way their illness affects it. At the same time they don't like to see their patients miserable so the solution is to suggest that someone else will take care of that.

when I started my fellowship in hematology I had a relatively young patient with Hodgkin's disease. she was not stoic about it, hated receiving chemo. hated the side effects and was very depressed. So, one day I suggested to her that she should consult a psychologist who could help.

Her response was- Do you think I have the time and energy to start discussing childhood memories now, when I have to deal with this illness. and then she asked me- would you suggest that a warrior in the midst of a battle will go to a psychologist?

In that case, I said to her, let me know how I can help. from that moment on, she started discussing with me how her illness affected her work, her life at home. she discussed her fears and concerns and hopes. nothing was "psychological" or related to what her father did when she was 4. it was all related to what her illness did to her now. I realized that no psychologist could give her the reassurance I could, or address the way a specific medication affected her and try to change it to one with less significant side-effects for her. her physical and psychological state were totally connected and had to be dealt together.

with my on-going support she gradually did better. it took her more then 2 years to recover from the side-effects of the treatment, and the emotional upheaval her illness caused her. again, it was impossible to dissconect it, and it didn't really matter. I suggested a gradual return to work and not feeling guilty for pampering herself.

What I learned from her and other patients I took care of over those years, helped me tremendously in dealing with my own illness, and in not looking for answers in the wrong place. I knew that my emotional responses were completely normal as I have seen them time and again.

I knew I had to find a physician like me, to support me in all this. One who will know enough about my illness, give me reassurance and help me deal with the hardships I encounter. fortunately, I found one eventually. All I had to do was look in the mirror...

The bottom line is that when you have an illness that significantly affects your life, you can't be "happy" all the time. it is completely normal to have times of being sad, and even despair. at the same time, there is also hope, and appreciating the small things in life you took for granted before.

learning to live with an illness is a long process that I believe never fully ends. it involves inevitable physical and emotional ups and downs for the patient and his loved ones. its a big change in your life and it is unrealistic to expect it not to affect you in various ways. we are each different and unique and therefore there is no "normal" and no right and wrong.



alice