Hi C-giver,
It is a sad thing that has happened, but 1 year is not the end of your fiancé's recovery. You didn't mention much about how she is feeling, but if she is feeling unwell then that has to be considered. My guess is that the sort of love making that you are talking about and missing comes out of exuberance and is likely to be affected if someone is feeling unwell.
Speaking as someone who has had a traumatic brain injury, I felt that the sort of thing that you are talking about was pretty much out of the question for several years. However, I do think that just being with someone, irrespective of physical activity, would have made the pain that I had to endure easier.
So, don't think that you are not being appreciated just because some of the physical side is not the same as it was previously. The brain injury will be perhaps the most profound thing that your fiancé will ever experience, albeit sadly a negative experience. Nevertheless, going through it together could bring you closer. You did mention that you were both still very much in love, so that side of things hasn't been affected.
You didn't mention whether your fiancé is on medication, but that could also be affecting her and you may find that as she improves her condition she will be more interested in physical activities that she used to do. For me all physical activity was affected. I used to play a lot of sport but I don't feel like doing that now. So I think that you can classify the sex along with other physical activities that your fiancé might be so keen on now. That way you will see that it isn't necessarily anything to do with her feelings towards you. Maybe she wouldn't be that keen on going down a black ski run either.
In the end, things might return more to what they were before, but if not you are probably just in the same boat as many couples who have a long-term relationship. Even in the absence of a brain injury, it seems that sex lives do tend to become less important in a relationship the longer that it goes on. Nevertheless, some couples do manage to stay in love even though their love making is not as enthusiastic as it was when they first met.
I wish you both the best for the future.
CS
Quote:
Originally Posted by c-giver
Hi All,
My fiancé is coming up on her 1-year anniversary of the TBI she got from an accident she had while riding her bike. She still has lots to accomplish with rehab for her short-term and long-term memory, balance, and vision issues; we’re working very hard on therapy (both at home and professionally) despite the nominal improvements of late.
But I have to share something that has not improved since her accident, and that is her desire for intimacy. Even small gestures of affection no longer seem to be "on her radar screen." Yes, we make love on occasion, but her soul is not part of the experience, nor can she experience anything close to fulfillment. It's not that its painful or causes her discomfort somehow, it simply isn't something she can feel passionate about.
Prior to her accident, our love life was beyond belief. We often had to pinch ourselves because the love making was so good. Now, she doesn't even remember and even doubts that I am telling her the truth when I try and recount what it was like. From my perspective, it hurts like h*** to have that part of our relationship disappear, but all I have to do is look at what she's had to suffer as a result of her accident and I quickly realize I'm being petty and selfish in comparison. So I suck it up and pretend that it does not affect me.
Recently, I've resigned myself to the fact that she may never return to her sexually active self and have even studied methods for being celibate (maybe one day, things will improve, but for now, I'm trying to put it out of my mind). Making any kind of sexual or affectionate advancement is greeted with indifference...to the point where I feel like I'm being rude by touching her. I am always very careful of not making her feel like she is under pressure to reciprocate and until posting here, have kept my intimacy frustrations to myself.
What is ironic is the fact that we are still hopelessly in love with each other and cannot imagine life without the other. TBI's (as I have come to learn) really do cause lives to change course dramatically, and sometimes tragically. She feels guilty that she cannot recall our past intimacy and that is the last thing she needs right now while she holds onto the hope that she will get back to normal.
I'm not posting in hopes that someone has a magic cure to our situation, but simply wondering if anyone else has experienced the same thing. I know that sexuality in general is an area commonly affected by TBI's, but what's shocking to me is how we've gone from one extreme to the other.
Sorry for my long-winded ramblings, but I needed to get this off my chest somehow, and the anonymity of forums like this give me the freedom to do so. Thanks for reading and "listening."
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