Thanks everyone for your support and comfort. It is greatly appreciated.

Pain is worse today...as it seems to be every day lately. Pain doc is NOT a neurologist...I have never seen a neurologist...and this has NEVER been recommended before this recent disaster after these blocks. So I guess my first question for the pain doc on Tuesday will be, "Why didn't you send me to a neurologist from the get go if that was something I needed?" He won't have an answer to that...he doesn't want to answer any questions. But I WILL ask.

My family doc called today to say the blood work results were normal. Not surprised since I was just there on Jan 6th for a physical and everything was normal. Pain doc said it was to test for an infection but when I was there for a physical on Jan 6th and had blood work done it didn't show an infection and I had a MRSA infection at the time. So my second question (for which I again have no expectation of an answer for) for the pain doc on Tuesday will be, "What were you looking for?"

I'm not a doctor of course, but being in so much pain and it being so obviously, in my mind anyway, related to the block in some way...I have done my share of internet searching on my "new" symptoms that are not related to the CRPS (as far as I know). You know what online docs have ALL said? Rule out chemical menengitis and bone infection. Now I don't know if a blood test would show a bone infection...I don't even know for sure what sort of blood work was done...but it certainly isn't the test for menengitis. And those are 2 serious conditions that I feel should be ruled out before I...you know...die.

I'm probably overreacting. Maybe this is just a spread of the CRPS as a result of the blocks. Don't know if that's better or worse than those 2 other options...certainly would suck. But from where I sit I would at least like to know what I am dealing with. I can cope with the known...it's the unknown and the lack of compassion from the docs that I just can't deal with. And the incompetance.

Boyfriend is working next Tuesday so he will not be able to come with me to the follow up with the pain doc...but I will still bring my questions. And if he ends up being forced to admit me for saying that I want to die from the pain then so be it. It's the truth. Thank the lord I have supportive family and loved ones around me that I can rely on because otherwise I probably would consider killing myself just to end it all...but that thought never seriously crosses my mind because I am blessed to have so much support around me. Those people (including you all) keep me grounded in reality.

But if a neurologist is who I should have been seeing all along then why is this suddenly coming up now? I don't get it...and it's frustrating beyond belief. I may need to go to the ER though before Tuesday with someone driving me. I drove myself last time which limits what they can do for you for the pain. I don't know anymore...I just keep crying and laying here in pain. Once I get to a sitting position I just don't want to move from there...like I am now. My boyfriend had to work all day so I am literally on the couch surrounded by a full bag of bagels (almost gone now), a 12pk of coke, a box of twinkies, my meds, my ipod so I can watch the tudors so I don't have to reach for a remote...and my little dog sitting next to me for comfort. Drugs are also right next to me on the couch. This is all so I don't have to get up to get anything. I feel ridiculous that i can't even reach over to the side table to grab something...it has to be right next to me so I don't move my back or neck at all. I appreciate the BF thinking ahead and getting it all set up for me...but I feel ridiculous. I'm 27 years old for crying out loud...I should be able to MOVE! And trips to the bathroom...those are vial evil things that make me not want to eat or drink anything. It's not too far away thank goodness...but the walk/crawl there is excruciating.

AHHHH!!! When will this end? I don't see the neurologist until the 23rd and I have a feeling the appt on Tuesday is a waste of time because he will have nothing to say to me. Plus...he may be royally upset that my family doc put me back on the old drugs that were working before. He may be done with me after that. Fine with me I guess since I am pretty much done with him at this point. Getting angry helps a little...takes the edge off a little just to be able to vent. Talked to my dad for almost 4 hours on the phone today. I live in Chicago and he lives in Nashville. He asked if there was anything I needed from him and all I could say was "a hug"...but that't just not possible. But talking with him helped a lot.

I told him all about the plans I am making for the future when I get better. This has been my therapy over the past week to help keep me straight minded despite the pain (and it should help clarify the distinction between I want to die from the pain vs I want to kill myself). You may not care...but this is distracting me a little from the pain so I am going to share my "plans". I realize of course that these are trips I may never actually take...but I'm planning them anyway.

First...in Feb or March of 2012 I am taking a beach trip to Bora Bora in French Polynesia. We're staying at the Hilton there because I have enough points for a free week stay. Hilton has the entire island. We're gonna upgrade to an over the water cabanna where you can watch the fishies swim under your floor and you can snorkle right off your balcony (I've never snorkled before but would learn). You can rent kayaks for free...stroll on the beach...and just enjoy each others company. I'll take some books and my cross stitch. Take lots of pics and just relax. No where to go....bo where to be...and no work to even think about.

Second...and this will probably sound crazy to everyone...but I'm planning a September 2012 trip to Disney World...by myself. No one else...just me. I'm going to stay at a deluxe resort in a studio, do the deluxe disney dining plan so that all my meals can be at sit down table service restaurants. I will be staying at the Animal Kingdom Lodge with a savannah view so I can watch the giraffes and zebras and stuff right from my balcony. I will bring books, cross stitch, and my normal journal to keep track of what I'm doing each day. I will eat at some AMAZING restaurants and find some quiet spots in the parks and at the resort to just sit and relax. I have no delusions that I will be able to do an incredible amount of walking without MANY MANY sit down breaks...especially if this current thing is a spread of the CRPS...and god I hope not. But I feel like going by myself means I can skip the stuff I can't handle anymore and just take my time. Sit down table service meals also mean I can take my time. I am a Disney pro so I know how to avoid lines (and my favorites are not really long line attractions anyway).

So I have all these things planned out. I also plan on many renovations to the house. I would not obviously be completing myself cause...yeah right...not with CRPS in my ankle...but I am planning on what we will have done and I will supervise.

Is all this crazy...yes...but tv sucks so bad these days and reading just cannot distract me from my pain. I love to cross stitch but since the back pain I cannot do it at all...too much arm and neck movement involved (which is another reason I hope this is not a spread of the CRPS). So I find making these plans even if they never come to be a reality helps me in two ways. It is slightly distracting from the pain...and it keeps me focused on the fact that I WILL get better. I WILL....I WILL...I WILL.

I was doing so well until I ran out of meds and was forced to switch docs and work comp left me without meds for over a week and the new doc changed them all. I miss work...that was probably the single best distraction from pain that I had. Even at my best I was maintaining a level 6/10 on the pain scale but the distractions at work were the best ones I have to help keep me from thinking about the pain. Now that I can't work...I'm really stretching for things to keep me distracted. What else can I start planning? My wedding...lol...I wish. BF doesn't believe in that sort of thing but says maybe someday. Some day my prince will come....lol! Not going to kinx anything by making that sort of plan. Guess I can maybe start writing that book I always wanted to...but I am so nonsensical sometimes that that might be a waste. All I want to write about these days is how mad I am. How about a book about how messed up it is that docs no longer seem to be in the field to "help" people and are more concerned about their paychecks? I know that's a bad blanket statement...there are great ones out there...just really frustrated right now. Maybe I should just start typing away my general feelings and see where that takes me. Writing helps...but typing is causing me pain in my back and neck...less than stitching...but it is hurting. Oh...what to do...what to do?