Oh Rrae you are so amazing and I already feel hugged by you! It is so amazing that complete strangers will take the time to give advice, hope, and just care in general. I am SO GLAD I stumbled onto this website through various searches and "googling". (BTW- my middle name is Rae )

So here are the main reasons that I have started to question the pump:

1) Yes, as shallow as it may seem the truth is the truth and the weight gain has destroyed my self esteem. I come from a female dominated family (my mom has 3 sisters- all with daughters, I have 2 sisters, etc. and no female is over 130 pounds, except for me now. We are genetically small and eat well. It may seem superficial but I do not feel like myself. Having said that- it is not the main reason at all (although I will not lie, it sucks).

2) I am always tired and feeling sick to my stomach. I am now the girl who cancels on people so everyone triple checks to see if plans are still on. I even missed an important family Baptism Sunday because I was so drained and felt so nauseas.

3) When the pump was implanted I was told that the medication would not reach a fetus since the medicine didn't enter my bloodstream and it was the safest way to go. I don't know the difference and was skeptical so I searched and searched online and found nothing on pumps and pregnancy (I don't believe my Dr. told me this but possibly a nurse) all of the research I did focused on the positive so despite my skepticism I figured it has to be better than my unborn child receiving Fentanyl! Well recently at one of my refill appointments one of the nurses asked about the baby thing and she says to me "well you do know that your baby will be born addicted to narcotics". I am a smart girl and knew this deep down all along but to hear it struck a nerve and the questioning began.

5) The painful swelling- it's so uncomfortable

4) I am not dopey or feeling drugged but I feel like my blood has been replaced with sand.

I am thankful for the relief that my pump has offered but if I could just manage the side effects I think I could get through the rest, so maybe I focus on that rather than the pump itself.
I know there are many more people out there with pumps and I wish they would come out and talk because I'm finding it so hard to get any experiences. We need to be talking about this stuff and helping each other!

I never thought about the thyroid thing. I think it is a fantastic idea to have checked out. My sister suggested having my kidney function checked as well.

Again- I cannot say thank you enough. I logged into this site feeling more alone than ever before and I already feel the support! Hopefully I will be able to return the love soon enough! Staying strong and not giving up is the key!