Quote:
Originally Posted by Fowki
....on February 07, 2011, at approximately 2240 hrs, my beloved son died in a single vehicle rollover accident in California. His father and I, his brother and two sisters, his wife and four year old daughter are devastated.
Yesterday was the military memorial (he was a marine) on base, and it was very difficult. Friday is the formal ceremony with 21 gun salute, flags, etc.....I feel horrid because I am dreading it.
I know none of this is about me, but I can't help feeling the way I feel - or don't feel. I am numb and find myself staring at walls and having trouble following conversation, much less forming a response.
Kim
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Dearest Kim.....
I joined this board because of back issues but happened to see the Grief and Loss Board, clicked on it....and your Title jumped out at me. I lost my only son (I have a daughter) almost 6 years ago on my birthday, also in an auto accident. My beautiful, beautiful boy.
I have no words...there are no words. As someone else mentioned, numb is a good thing and my guess is that you will be numb for a long time. Your grief journey will be a process. One that you will have to face head on....no side-stepping it.
The sadness and grief will soften. It will be with you constantly, but not as overwhelmingly painful. I remember thinking I wished I could take my brain out of my head...put it in a jar somewhere.....and wait for it to heal. The racing thoughts 24/7 made me feel as though I was losing my mind...and that is so completely normal. Instead of thinking of Matthew every second, it became every 3 seconds, then 10, 20, 40, 60...and then those minutes eventually became every 1/2 hour...then hourly, etc.
Do not hesitate to seek help...i.e., a grief counselor, clergy, The Compassionate Friends. I've done it all but realized there were no magic answers to my "why?" I finally realized that I was the only one who could help me. There were days (and still are) that I chose to dwell in my dark place...but they are less and less. There's nothing I can do to bring my beautiful one back except smile through the tears as I close my eyes and see his handsome face.
Be kind to yourself. You will find that the grief is very isolating...and that, too, is normal. Make sure you try to eat and get some sleep. This grief is hard, hard work.
Blessings to you and your family. I will pray for your strength.....
Linda