I know that I sound really angry and I really don't mean to. It's just that I have worked very hard to hold it together in my life and tried very hard to take care of myself. When I am working, I am a high achiever. Up until about 4 years ago (aside from the year I was off with my gallbladder) I was always working out, riding my bike 30 or, more miles a day and doing everything I could to maintain myself in good shape. I've never been a drug user or, drinker and for a long time, did take everything my doctors told me to heart. It deeply effected me and the way I viewed myself. Even this last time when I was working, coming home and collapsing, but working, I managed to get promoted to a fairly nice position that I loved. I immediately went to my new doctor and told him my history and my fear that my IBS would overtake me again and told him I was really in need of some help in maintaining my new pace. And, he did nothing for me - no GI referral. Nothing. Taking a wait and see approach which is what landed me back here. I try to be an optimist and wanted to believe this wouldn't happen again, but now, looking back it is so clear that I needed care while I was still up on my feet. And, I just never understand why even when I have great insurance, no one has given me the opportunity to stay healthy or, at least, that's how it feels at this point. I used to beg someone to diagnose me so I could maintain my life - I love to work and that has always been my goal. I think my CD diagnosis should have been more obvious, but even the times I've seen a GI, it was never brought up. Even when I was sent to a dietician, no mention of gluten. I've jumped through so many loops and never landed standing up.

So, I am frustrated and I am exasperated and I am horribly worried that the person I used to be, I will never be again. I want my life to be so different than it is right now. I miss the person that I was. I have so missed just getting out and getting that runner's high while on my bike. I've missed contributing to others in the form of work and I've missed my ability to help others in need even more. There's so many things I want to do for others and I'm stuck back here in this place trying to get myself in the condition that I can maintain just myself again.

The course my life has taken seems so useless, as though it were so blatantly preventable and yet, no one's had answers for me. If I've come to question my doctors and second guess everything they tell me, it's only learned behavior.

I know that my neuropathy (I think what this current doctor calls 'some allergy' on my face is really beginning Trigeminal Neuropathy when put together with the other symptoms of pain and burning I've had) would have only continued to escalate if I hadn't gone back on supplements. I couldn't even function. Yet, when I went in for my 5th month check up after diagnosis, he didn't even run my nutrient levels. He ran all kinds of other blood work, but not my nutrients. That is when it really sunk in that I was in this battle alone. That I needed to look to myself for the answers I need. That is when I went back on my supplements and within days, found I was at least able to maintain my household fairly well again. And, I am getting better, so that's good.

I think that I'm at a point in my life - almost 50 - that I've just come to really resent these months spent incapacitated, thinking how much time do I have left? And, always, what I could be doing with my time, if able.

It is definitely going to be harder to pull it all back together at this point and I know I have my work cut out for me. If I even make it to the point I can take back control from my illness.

I hope that my feelings are understandable. I don't like seeing some of these feelings in myself, but at least can see where they originate from and have hope that I will be able to work through them.