Vic,

Although it wasn't nicely done and was a wee bit early, you were planning on leaving soon anyway, right? And although it came with drawbacks, you did have a place to recuperate when you needed it - that was the important thing. Now you're free to move on, and you can leave the baggage behind, at least once you have all your things and set off for Calgary. No looking back!

I'm not trying to make less of it than it is, honestly. I just learned years ago that, having once moved out, it was NOT possible for my mother and I to peacefully live under the same roof. Not unless I acceded to her every desire - which, having once escaped and found the freedom to establish my own opinions and make my own decisions, I was NOT ready to do, certainly not to the extent she thought I should.

That move home lasted less than a year - and seemed like 5. When I left, planning to move to another town with a friend, work and save money to finish college, my mom told me "Don't think you can move back in here again if things don't work out." I told her she didn't have to worry about that (and thanks for the encouragement, Ma!). I never even THOUGHT about moving back, either, no matter how broke I was, although I can remember being so sick and running a temp one time that I wanted my Mom - funny how that is the first time you're really sick out on your own.

The ironic part is 2 of my 3 brothers moved back in at some point after college, one straight from school, one after a stint in the service. She did their laundry and didn't ask them 1/2 as many questions - because they were boys, you see - GRRR!!!! Story of my life!! Anyway, we somehow got on the topic of kids moving back home a couple years ago, and she brought up my brothers, then she really floored me. She told me she had been really impressed and proud of me for struggling and making it on my own without asking for help from ages 20-24. She said "You never asked to move back in after you left the second time." I told her I couldn't, don't you remeber telling me not to come back? She says she didn't really mean it, and maybe so once she settled down, but when she said it, she meant it, believe me!

Anyway, our relationship has gotten better and better over the years, but if I had to live with her I guarantee you I wouldn't be able to stand her within a month, and vice versa. I'm the only daughter and I'm the one she has all these expectations of - well, I didn't have any part of setting those expectations, and I'm just not "the kind" of daughter she always envisioned having (exactly like her, in other words). We can have a great time shopping, having lunch, doing things with my girls - it's when her expectations and my being true to myself clash that we have problems - like holidays. I have learned to bend some, but also to not expect more from her than is possible, and to cut visits home short - I do better when she visits me.

I hope you get some useful ideas from this - that being upset about the past won't change it, or change your mother, that you're not the only one who finds it impossible to live with her mother, that maybe the move will actually, in time, IMPROVE your relationship. Maybe we're even genetically wired to not be able to exist peacefully under the same roof as our mother after a certain age, otherwise all the cave babies would have looked like the kid from Deliverance

Wish you much joy with your mate and great fortune for you both on your future in Calgary!

beth