Dear Pam

i am so sorry

--- break a pile of old dishes? (in a bag or the cleanup will make you madder)
--- buy a bunch of pencils and break those
--- shred and i do mean manually rip up magazines... got any piled up you need to get rid of... take it out on them

--- i sometimes kick things but it hurts my feet so i don't recommend it.
--- if i could i think i'd really like to get a punch bag. i don't have naywhere to install it. in your case i'd be afraid of jackie swingin it at someone not awre of damage he can cause.

i think you have not only anger, real, but also frustration

like what you said about not being able to want things for yourself, or having to filter what you want. sure we all do, based on economics or the size of our house, or whether the cat will eat it, but a human is not someone who can be controlled as readily. a toddler is one thing, but jackie is a big boy now and he is not getting any smaller, or weaker. at 2, he would not have been able to bust up that computer if you even halfway saw it coming. things are getting worse.

you REALLY have it hard. i know what it is like not to have a space that is mine, and it sounds like you don't really either in a way. so you are suffocating many little wants and pleasures... on a daily basis.

do you have a T? can i ask you to bring these things up with your T - even if you have before, maybe you need some help grieving this increasing loss of privacy and - indeed - freedom. and maybe she can give practical suggestions.

* what about meeting with a support group for special needs parents. others are going through this too. and might have ideas. maybe NAMI can direct you to one?

((((hugs))))

~ waves ~