Originally Posted by Patti_Christmas

I just wanted to say thank you all for not judging me, for not being mean about what I am feeling. Just being able to get it out helps some.

I have an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic!! I will be seen on March 29th by Dr. Samuel Samuel (and I thought Christmas was an odd name ). Maybe there is hope - I owe it to myself and my family to try.

I feel a lot better, after getting this off my chest and after the kind words. Yesterday, I forced myself to go to the mailbox with my husband and my three adorable bostons. After that, I stood in the pasture area while he let our goats out. My little Evie-bug followed me every where and seemed to be protecting me and trying to cheer me up. She is our "baby", she is a year old now, but we bottle fed her and she was our first baby. I helped deliver her and bring her into the world. She's pregnant now, and due to kid next month. Her "udder mudder" (I was the ba-ma) Snow, is due anytime. She was quite clingy too, but this means she is getting close to kid.

What really truly helped me, what made me smile, was watching my son's two month old Boer wethers. These guys don't have a care in the world, they were hopping around, racing, sniffing, nibbling on everything they could get their fuzzy little lips on. They are starting to trust us, come up to us, sniff us and let us pet them. It's sad though because they won't be with us long. My son shows that at fairs and goat shows, but because they are wethered (castrated), they don't get to stick around.

Watching them made me realize that life is too short as it is to be "wasting" time thinking about how to end my own. These two goats don't "realize" that they are possibly going to be sold at a fair to become someone else's pet or to become food for a family, they are just enjoying life today and will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I guess while humans are the "superior" race, with that superiority comes great pain and difficulties. I'm not ready to walk away, I just have to find something positive in each day to help me get back on track. My kids need me, my family needs me, and I need them - even if it means just watching on the sidelines, at least I can see who they become and how wonderful they are.