i appreciate that Di. Thanks Bizi yes work is complicated i am starting to feel wigged out. today after pdoc i did. /Di... on the substances appreciate the intent... just - i can't hear it now. i already hear it in my head and from my folks, i fly off the handle at it, and more is best avoided. especially as it's too easy for me to fly off the handle overall right now. it's jarring in a jarred world. my what a pickle. thank you for caring.

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i spent my session trying to describe feeling like i am breaking apart to my shrink. he wants me on zyprexa. which i won't take. too late for lithium he says, not an emergency use drug. (and depakote is?) anyway. he would still prefer zyprexa over depakote. i said but i can't gain more weight. he said but you can't go on like this either. i reminded him our time was up saying i'd have to wait a week since we couldn't talk about it till next week at this point. and left. i was spitting nails. i wanted him to have a magic pill and first he goes and has kidney stones and then he comes back with zyprexa.

ok now lets don't all jump on me the not taking the zyprexa. i took option 2: the extra depakote.
(seriously please don't.) i just want to be able to share and record that helps most.... a place to keep things together. theres a time sure but now isn't it. i more just need to hear a good word right now. i'm doing the best i can doing things i should and shouldning things i don't plus it's sh*'n bricks from the sky in my life all over the place. home is nice other than when one or the other of them gets on me about 'use' and it's a downspiral. and no, right now i can't "not take it personally" ... a spec on the wall is there personally. i am most mixed up emotionally.

i MAY (don't get your hopes up) take a-zyprexa-or-two this weekend. i won't be home friday so it will have to be saturday night. i may be able to do something outrageous like take it sunday afternoon and sleep 6pm to 6am. when i use it like this, where i have time to sleep, i use 15 or 20 mg. it might mellow me until the following tuesday... lol.