Dear Bizi.

thanks for the sweet thoughts. i really wanted to sleep more this weekend but looks like it's gonna really happen. as it is though i did get 10 hours instead of the workday 7. i really think i would be off my rocker completely if it were not that i am getting knocked out every night like that and wake up calm ... at least for a while.

anyway. the plan B, the depakote seems to be having some effect. had lightsensitivity took me by surprise and ppl at work were LOUD and obnoxious

tg yesterday was alone part of the day. actually boss was there a good bit, but he is quiet. he actually gave me something to do and was able to help me along with the steps without either of us freaking out. i distrust him still. there is a kindliness about himself that i appreciate, but it seems to get switched off suddenly and without forewarning - this is what i mistrust.

contrary to too much energy yesterday i felt like a walking log, and had interspersed crying jags. i did not have beer at lunch i discovered they have apple juice. and had that. later i needed a lorazepam. but it didn't do anything. useless crying jags about nothing.

actually it isn't about nothing. it is about feeling lonely and very "cut out" of things at work. i feel like even those who are not hostile are "ehhh sleeping with the enemy." i try to feel compassion it makes me vulnerable i end up crying. i felt afraid a lot. i had suicidal thoughts at times too. not immediate ones. like, when my parents die... i'm not gonna stick around. the world overwhelmed me.

i think i will not make changes besides the depakote increase for now to see what it does before adding something.

i did work. i am on stepping stones. people have seen me miserable. i cannot control it so it is possible at some point someone will realize i have tears in my eyes. hopefully i can find a job teaching.

~ waves ~