CS, I hear you, and understand. I have these questions too. I agree that some of those millions ought to go into facilities that help us have some kind of quality of life - all that money going to things that only have an outside chance of helping us all, some of it could be diverted.

The losses we have accumulate, and it can seem like a mountain of loss, with little left of the self we once thought we were. But actually we are still there, and the losses moment by moment do not affect us all at once. We have to remember to stay in the moment, and not to dwell too much on the future.

It sounds so much as though you are lonely with this, it is no picnic dealing with it as a single person. While you say that you have dealt with depression it sounds familiar to me, your message comes over as on of lack of hope and lack of pleasure in life, which is something I had wanted to bring as a question to this forum, as I am increasingly not able to find joy in things, or pleasure, everything seems very functional, or dysfunctional, depending on what I am doing. This kind of very flat effect is a sign of depression, so perhaps this is a way that you can actually do something about you quality of life, seek some kind of help for how you feel. A good neuropsychologist would be a help. This is something we should all have access to, if it is available for you take advantage of it, if it isn't try and make a noise about it so that it might happen, who knows even getting your head round making a noise and securing something that others might benefit from might help how you are feeling, as it is a positive step.

Over the years your voice has shed a lot of light for me, and now your honesty about how you feel, though distressing in many ways, does open up this very difficult subject.

Please try and find hope within yourself, and be sure to try and find the help you need, you do not have to carry all of this on your own.

Lindy