I am no Pollyanna; I loathe platitudes, and I certainly do not want to make light of anyone's suffering, so forgive me if my post seems any of those things. Do not let this disease consume your soul. I guess what helps me when things look particularly bleak is I allow myself only a few moments of wallowing. I have an internal egg timer and I don't dwell on the what ifs, or why is this happening, I go to that dark, murky place for a few; may have a good cry then it is done. We are tethered to pills for the time being, so why spend most of my time focusing on all the deficits in my life; why waste so much of that precious on time we have in such a dark place.

I know that haven't lived with this as long and maybe I sound naive or dismissive - don't mean to do that. Living with this disease seriously sucks; however, I try to keep it in perspective. We are not alone in our suffering.

Recently over the summer, I suddenly started having a pretty potent panic attack-freezing even combo. Literally, in the course of one day, I was walking my son at the park and the next I was scooting around on the floor for two hours because I did not have the muscle strength in my arms or legs to even crawl. Does this sound like PD to anyone? No I didn't think so. Rick has had very similar experiences.

This started last June; I realized that much of it was brought on by fear. For nearly the next nine months, I would not take my son alone with me anywhere for fear of freezing and not being able to keep him safe. Yesterday was different. I stood up to the disease. I took my son on an errand and then we made a special trip to the toy store so he could choose a birthday gift. This is a non-event for most people, but for me was a triumph because we went alone. I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy for months now working on this. I finally said that I was not going to let fear rule my life, and I sense that is what PD does to many of us. As we focus on our motor symptoms progressing, it slowly takes over our psyche and we don't even know it is happening. Well, I have caught on, and I won't let it also turn me into a reclusive, shell of my former self to top it off. That is where we do still have a modicum of control. How we react to this disease is up to us, and it ends up shaping our reality. It is normal to have our dark hours, but don't get sucked in.

I find that one thing that really helps me is to at least once a day recall one thing that has made me smile. Yesterday, for me it was watching my son try to capture the sunlight streaming through the window in his hand. That's what living with this disease is like for me; it may all be futile but it is what keeps me going. Ol'cs and Jim,there is still a lot in life to enjoy, please do not hand over the simple pleasures and joy we can still feel to this disease. Yes, it might require some clinical or pharmaceutical intervention at first, but if you try the therapy you'll not get sucked into that black hole. Fight it.

Laura