Hi Bizi - yes i have something to help me sleep. soundly. pdoc agrees that no matter how i am doing, i'd be doing worse if i weren't able to induce that much sleep - and without morning grog. so he goes with that.

for the rest it all sucks. i slid down down then after 3 days got a bit of umphh back, saw pdoc who said i seemed better () than last week (when he all but shoved zyprexa down my gullet) maybe hypo (i.e. subsiding mania) at this point but keep taking the increased depakote and he thinks i'll be ok.

i told him i'd been down 2-3 days and it seemed like some rapid cycling on top of the major swings. crying my yes out all day. but it is hard to explain. i am not even sure if it really is because i can't tell what's what any more... definitely i have mixed symptoms a large part of the time of all different kinds. initially, the variations were irritable - there were NO DOWN symptoms at all. but of course all the stuff at work happening - perhaps it is a reaction, magnified because of the bipolar, but not genunine "cycling." whatever. I WANT IT TO STOP.

(i release my attachment to controlling my emotions?)

he said the 911 stuff was at least gone i told him the stuff that isn't scary we haven't hand a chance to talk about. i mean we missed 3 weeeks in there and bunches happened... trying to sort out what's for real and what might be irrational fears or overreaction. doc seems to think, from what happened, that my job is safe, at least until contract expiration in June.

the bigger problem is how i am doing. last week i thought i was going to explode into tiny bits. this week i felt like i was melting into a puddle. i cold not stop crying. wednesday better. yesterday worse.

from pdoc i found out
- they don't have loxapine here
- geodon is prohibitive and only paid for by national health if you have schizophrenia (i can't afford oout of pocket)

i hope that the 1,500mg depakote fixes me soon.

~ waves ~