You guys are all so nice... I wish you could see from a lurker's perspective how amazing you all are and how wonderfully supportive of each other. It makes me so appreciative to have this place to come back to, when I need it.

And I wish I could just shake you all in to happiness, but ha! I know that is far from possible. However, kinda reminds me of yesterday when I was out shopping and saw a man walking aroung the grocery store with a paper cardboard sign hanging saying "Love Your Life" and being in such a crappy mood recently, I laughed it off - wondering why would he care about our lives? And now I know - cause it's how I feel about you all... wish you would all just love your lives too, but like I said - it's how the world turns, the unfairness of it all, and it is what it is - not likely.

Maybe knowing that we care about each other helps, to know I care, but the truth is... we are the ones holding ourselves back. I am in a bad mood because I can't let it go, the past, the present, the future, the unknown. It's me causing my pain. My lack of acceptance. What about you all? If they wanted to leave this world (or didn't) due their own pain, how does that affect you? If you can't cut the ties, accept, and move on - is it still their fault anymore?

Sorry if I'm not making sense or sounding insensitive, just realizing where my own life stands. Something that happened to me at 13, the loss of a loved one, has affected me more than it should have perhaps, or more than it would another, and why is that? Because of me holding on too tight, holding the guilt, holding on and not talking about it or adjusting appropriately. And now - my own issues of adjusting to lifes complications, unfairness, my own unluckiness, is that anyone's fault but my own.... or our own? If I/you were tougher individuals with thicker skin, would any of this matter?

Speaking of such (man, I am on one helluva rant).... biologically speaking, the vulnerabilities of depression, mental illness, is a dual-stress model: it's not just life triggers and a stress-induced life of obstacles, but also our biology/genetics. Can we adjust our biology? Can we change whether we were born an easy or difficult baby as adults? Can we change whether we are "highly sensitive" adults and more vulnerable to stressors? Is this more ME or US than THEM?

Now, please tell me, I don't sound psychotic. Just stressed to the max, with a plate WAY too full, and my life has been one crazy damn rollercoaster that has NEVER ended.... and I am trying to figure out, am I the one that holds the button that turns it off????

*in need of some support*