((((((Dianne)))))),

I don't see you "failing" any others in this equation that is your life. The only one that you're "failing" is yourself.

You give and give and give until you hurt and then get mad at yourself or belittle yourself because you can't give it ALL.

I recognize the personality type -->> MOI!!

I was the sole caretaker of my Mom when she became sick out of state. I had to travel between South Carolina and Massachusetts. I signed for surgery for colo-rectal cancer (against her wishes) and it went badly -- malpractice actually, but I couldn't do anything about it. I moved her back to Massachusetts against doctors wishes (flew her back in an air ambulance) and put her into hospice/home care here. In and out of the hospital until I said ENOUGH. Me working 10 hours a day in a brand-new supervisory position. Taking care of my Mom after work. Trying to raise my son.

After she passed and I had a funeral here and a funeral in South Carolina and cleaned out part of her house, I came back home, sent my son to live with his Father, quit my job, and slept for two straight weeks.

Less than 6 months later, I was working as a home health aide taking care of cancer patients in their homes

I lost my Brother at age 21 to suicide. Unexpected, early, cruel death -- just like De's. I fought my life and my psychic pain for over 13 years until I finally stopped what I was doing and cried (in the psychiatric hospital).

Honey, you've gone from one unbelievable pain to another with no time to heal or to even think. You need to take time for yourself. To cry. To have no responsibility for other people besides your immediate family and yourself.

You're a caretaker soul -- just like me. There's nothing wrong with being a caretaker. But, you have to stop once in awhile BEFORE you hit the burnout point.

I know "they" tell you that you shouldn't get "emotionally involved" with your patients or your clients or your customers. As far as I'm concerned, you wouldn't be doing that particular job if you didn't/couldn't get emotionally involved.

I don't see anything wrong with being involved emotionally with patients. I was. I went to the funerals. I loved "my" people. And I hurt when they died.

When I got to the point that I felt I was hurting too much and felt too crumpled, I resigned. And went into the next part of life -- computer helpdesk support.

The helping and caretaking will always be a part of you, Dianne. That's what makes you so special. You do need to take a break, though, and take some time to think in quiet spaces and to feel the pain and to feel the tears from losing De.

You'll be able tell (in your heart) when you're ready to go back -->> back to caretaking or maybe on to something different.

You need the break now, though. Don't think of it as "failure". It is NOT FAILURE to keep yourself well enough to do what you love doing.

I've said before -- it sounds like a cliché, but it isn't -- you have to go THROUGH the pain and the tears. Some little part of me that really loves you wonders if you're using the work to fill the empty space left by De. I understand that. I've been there myself.

It's time to speak ONLY THE TRUTH to yourself, Dianne. And then go from there.

BIG HUGS. I love you. I would do anything to stop the pain and the tears but I can't

Barb