Dns I'm so sorry for your loss. Some of us feel guilt just in making daily decisions (I am one of those and trying to work on letting that go), but to lose someone else in this way would make the best of us feel guilty. I know that had your brother told you why he wanted the glaser, you would not have given that to him. But you didn't know! As you said, he was always borrowing things, so why would this seem any different?

My sister didn't die buy suicide. She died from cancer when she was 34 in 1986. But still, even with her death, I felt guilt. Guilt that I hadn't spent enough time with her. Why hadn't I insisted the doctors be more vigilant after she had that mastectomy and her doctor declared her as healthy as the rest of us? Guilt that in that last year there were times I would actually make up excuses to not go and be with her when she asked. Why her and not me? I can only imagine how I would have been had her death been to suicide.

In fact, it took me a lot of my adult life to finally come to terms with those times I lied and said, No, I'm sorry, I can't come and be with you tonight because....(interject excuse here). I was in denial and in a lot of pain because she was so sick and I couldn't deal with that very well at all. I still find that bit of guilt creep in on me and I remind myself that it's okay. I dealt with her dying the best that I could.

I had 2 close friends take their lives and even though they weren't family (but felt like it), I carried tons of guilt. What if I had done...What if I had said...what if what if what if. My daughter lost a good friend to suicide and I watched her deal with guilt...what if what if what if. And my best friend's daughter lost a boyfriend to suicide in high school (also my daughter's best friend). And this girl had just broken up with him only a few days before he shot himself. It broke my heart watching her take total responsibility for his action...even though I knew the young man was pretty messed up, emotionally, in the first place.

As Ms. Alffe said, you couldn't prevent him from taking his own life. He would have one way or another. And you did nothing wrong.

Bless your heart. I'm sure glad you found the good people in this forum. And I know for a fact, they do care about you. Please have no doubt about that.

I know (for me at least) it sometimes feels strange putting your thoughts into print for others to see. But some of my best friends have been made right here in these forums. I can tell you...they are just as wonderful in person as they are in here.

Thank you for being you and being here ((dns)).