thank you all so much (((hugs)))

i am having a really, really, really, reallllly hard time.

i nearly walked out of work at 11 am yesterday never to return. xcept my head was not with it and i left everything in there. i absentmindedly went to the bank teller to make a withdrawal and it spat my card out. because i put the only card i had taken with me in there - the badge to get out of the office DUH.

mom persuaded me not to leave immediately and reminded me of my precarious employment situation worsening if i did (true). i persuaded myself to get through the day and then think about it.

i am having lots of lorazepam these days. i HATE that i have to medicate myself just so i can tolerate being bullied. that's just all wrong but there is no societal, legal, or bureaucratic alternative. it's been reported up the chain but the uppers only care about their contracts getting paid, no doubt. so no doubt this man will continue to have a trail of people coming into his office bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to leave a few months later broken and frail - or at best resentful and angry.

when i related yesterdays incident to my father, he said, gosh, that man would make any normal person nuts, let alone someone with emotional frailties.

doc says i'm not depressed - emotions are appropriate to the deal at work - on the contrary he sees something i dunno what but he more concerns, medwise, about keeping any cycling/hypomania down so i cannot reduce the meds any further for now. psychwise, our spessions are spent with him pulling out feelings about work and reaffirming me. last time he told me about 15 times that it isn't my fault, and another 10 times that i did well to play "hooky" wednesday. (i just couldn't take going in.)

i am so grateful for my parents. i come home crying they give me hugs and feed me. then i usually conk out.

but i did finally see Twilight the other night. just barely missed the very beginning.

~ waves ~