ginnie, your "choices" aren't very appealing and I'm so sorry. Not only are you living with physical pain but the pain of family betrayal. Hard to find a "reason to live" but that's what you need. I'd care if you weren't here..you are valuable to me as a friend, someone willing to share with "strangers" their intermost fears. Strangers picked me up off the floor years ago and gave me back my life....may we try to do the same for you? You matter!!!