Hey,

Just thought I'd submit a post as I'm sitting here feeling like RSD is taking over my entire life right now - which is never a good feeling so it's time to send something outwards instead of just looking inwards! Sorry this is a total VENT and very unproductive but I'm hoping you guys will understand!

I am scheduled for a spinal cord stimulator trial on Friday - and know this could be good or bad, has both pros and cons, but right now don't have much choice but to do SOMETHING about the RSD and this is the doctor's current choice, and my 'least bad option'! But mentally, I'm really struggling with it so much.

I so just want to feel like I'm in control of my life, have a say in decisions even when they might not be the 'best' choice. I need to make them myself. I already feel like I'm fading away into the RSD - like other people feel they have a right to make the choices for me depending on how sick I am on a particular day and sometimes i don't have the energy to stand up to them, or sometimes I get so over-adrenalized and in pain I can't explain what I need. But I feel like if I stop being able to participate, I'll disappear completely - I want to be more than just my RSD...I know it's to keep me safe but I can't live my life this way - just as someone who needs to be protected or taken care of - i NEED to have a voice too and RSD already steals it (sometimes literally when I can't speak)

I am so afraid of going back into surgery - I've steered clear of it for so long. The surgery itself of course isn't really that bad, but I remember the after effects of previous surgeries, pain flares, temperature and blood pressure craziness, medication mess etc etc and while I know I need to do something to try to interrupt the pain, it's really difficult to explain to people around me just how very freaked out I am about this. Hard to let them know what the pain of RSD is like.

Things have been bad this week, no doubt due to various stresses, but I'm finding the movement issues are really bad right now, and the pain itself is unabating. I know, that's why I need the SCS...!

Alright - I think that's enough of a rant. Sorry for venting and thanks for listening