Quote:
Originally Posted by RSDjaded
I am very offended by your post, I do feel sorry that my husband has to deal with this pain everyday. It is horrible that he is stuck in bed all day and can not go out and fish like he loves, or even do any of the things he enjoyed. I don't give him pity, I support him as much as I possibly can and I try to make his day as happy as I can. Just because I feel sorry for him does not make me act any different towards him. I do EVERYTHING in the household, outside work, take care of a 4 and 6 year old, go to school full-time, and take care of him. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't have time to!
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Hi there. I think I understand what both you and Pet are saying, even if there hasn't been a meeting of the minds between you: so far.
What the spouse in pain needs more than anything is compassion and empathy. And what neither of you need is to wistfully hold on to the way things used to be or might of been.
It brings to mind something that I wind up posting every year or so, but one that bears repeating. It is drawn from Jack Kornfield's wonderful book,
After the Ecstasy, the Laundry, and the experience of Ram Dass (f.k.a. Richard Alpert, PhD. of Harvard, before he got expelled way back when along with Tim Leary for spreading too much good cheer through the land). A good friend of mine was at the public talk Ram Dass gave in San Francisco where these words were delivered, at what I understand was one of the first public talks Ram Dass gave following his stroke. They appear online in a collection of Unitarian sermons, having been apparently redacted to avoid copyright issues:
Ram Dass, is an American spiritual teacher who suffered a catastrophic stroke in 1997. About a year later he said, "For years I practiced the path of service. I wrote books about learning to serve, about how to help others. Now it is reversed. I need people to help me get up and put me to bed. Others feed me and wash my bottom. . . . But this is just another stage. . . . If I think I'm the guy who can't play cello or drive or work in India, I would feel terribly sorry for myself. But I'm not him. . . . I have a new life in a disabled body. This is where I am. We've got to be here now. We've got to take the curriculum."
http://home.att.net/~usnh/20040502.html
It is hard to let go of the things we planned for all our lives, but take the curriculum we must. And in the case of the non-injured spouse, that means being open, first and foremost, to experiencing the pain of the other. To the extent
he can tolerate it, put your arms around your husband and hold him close. The couples that do well at this are those who maintain their emotional union.
You too will take strength from it.
Mike
(RSD spouse with a full-time working wife, a trial lawyer who comes home at night to a second career, making sure the trains run on time for our now teenage sons.)