Quote:
Originally Posted by Mari
Hi,
I went to a place in my brain where I remembered what my life was like before bipolar meds killed any chance of being useful on this planet.
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this is a powerful statement. it carries many many premises, such as:
"i am not useful on this planet"
"the meaning of useful"
"i have no growth potential"
"the meaning of potential"
"i have no direction"
etc
but the statement starts out positive:
i hear a kind of, i remember:
-- those things and then some are inside me
Quote:
I remembered that I had dreams for myself. I can't even remember what that freeeking dreams were. I know that I had them. 
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"so i am back to the velvet underground, back to the floor that i love...."[Stevie Nicks - Gypsy]i know what you mean.
i've gone off meds several times and gone back on. that's what i intend to do. i will have periods on meds and periods off. when i feel stable enough and in a stable situation, i will come off meds again. i hope then to get rolled some good dice in terms of situation, and maybe acquire some skills, wisdom, internal ways of dealing.... you know......... so that if i get hit by a wave again, sure i can go on meds, but maybe i won't feel the hit so hard.....may be i can train my brain....
but sure i'll use meds.
and sure, i'll quit 'em too when i don't feel well-served by them.
Quote:
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The dreams were not about saying thanks each morning that I woke up stable enough to move through the day.
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yeah. and they teach us to lower the bar. it's hard to do that. to accept a loss of strength and range of skills. limitations upon limitations on one's choices for becoming. i see my parents going through that with aging. in that sense we will all experience it but some of it experience it sooner by way of anomalies or trauma.
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What a depressing way to start each day.
I end the day the same way -- thankful that I am functioning.
You know what? I think that I bore myself. 
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yes, i think your morning and evening routines could use a little spice. you have more to give thanks for than that you are functioning.
in your posts, i hear you appreciate:
...... your parner, despite ordinary marital incidents you have a partner who cares about you and who will protect you.
...... your work, you love your students and working with them
...... food. especially soups simmered in a crockpot for a long time
...... rapport with other people, especially a peaceful harmonious one.
well that's a start. i know it's kinda general and kinda specific. haha.
i think it might be quite common at our age to feel bored. some folks even change careers mid-life because of it. i might do that, but it would not be because of boredom.
maybe you could think about some small ways to change your life to ... give some things a bit of a face lift.... just doing a routine thng differently once or twice, to break the monotony. see what happens. might end up with whole new rhythm... so to speak...
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to what extent does the Verapamil have a sedating/slowing effect on you? does it have cognitive effects? For how many years have you used benzos now - has it been a decade?