does it just make sense that I just wanted a mommy?

as a kid she couldnt. She was always draggin us from town to town cause dad was in the Navy. She tried to blame everyone on everyone else. nothing was ever our fault. Then she gave up on dad and dragged us to the back woods of NC, but surprised to find out her bros and sis' couldnt help her either. She had post polio syndrome and some mental deficiets from the disease. As a teenager I didnt understand, as a grown woman I just wanted my mommy to be proud of me, as a young mother I wanted my mom to get to know her grandkids. she refused. As a young wife I wanted advice, and guidance. She had none. As a young professional I wanted support. She thought I was high and mighty. As a injured, ill young woman I wanted comfort, support and help. She came and stayed two weeks, ate me out of house and home, expected to be waited on, then asked me to buy her a plane ride home. Dx with breast cancer I asked nay begged her to come help me. She told me how busy her own life was. Wanted to be sure she was in my will.

I have watched this woman lie, cheat, steal, dishonor, beg, panhandle, solicecit, shoplift, and pet upon my drug addicted sister as if she had the answer book hidden behind her somewhere. I guess in the end I never did learn to speak the language. I wont steal, I wont lie, I wont scam, I wont take advantage. How on earth did I come from this woman?

I have chased this woman all my life. I just want my mommy to love me. If that means working harder, smarter, faster or standing taller I did it. I went to her aide, sick or well. I went to her rescue even when I didnt have the money to spare, only to find out she was bailing out drug addicted sister. over and over and over I forgave and moved on. I blamed the mental stuff on polio, I blame the social stuff on her own upbringing. I blame her inability to parent on the fact that she wasnt parented.

In the end, you run out of excuses. You run out of money. you run out of patience, you run out of time, and you run out of spoons. I just wanted my mommy to be proud of me. To like me, to want me. In the end, it was never gonna happen. no matter what I gave up for her. So...Im going to take better care of myself than she did. I am going to be a better parent to myself than she was. I will be enough of a mother that my kids dont need her. She missed out.

Thanks for understanding and being supportive. I know others have lost loved ones recently and I dont mean any disrespect.