I had a tumultuous childhood, raised by my aunt and uncle, he was an abusive alcoholic, she was an abusive rage-a-holic who used a broomstick as a weapon. Somehow I always gravitated toward mom (aunt) and though we have had our ups & downs SHE WAS MY ROCK - MY ANCHOR! Estranged from the rest of my family (my choice & necessity) mom is all I have. 18 months ago as the MS progressed I moved in with her. Sure we had our rough spots but when the chips were down I knew mom would be in my corner.

In January she started having back pain; she broke her back over 18 years ago & occassionally had problems but this time the pain did not go away. Tests revealed she has 3 fractured vertabrae - no one knows how. She spent 8 weeks in hospital & rehab and I saw this woman become a shell of her former self. At one time she weighed OVER 400 lbs but in recent years maintained a healthly wieght now she is frail and bone thin her face is actually hollow.

Mom was only home 2 weeks when pain sent her back to the hospital now they say she has a spinal infection. She was hospitalized for a week & now will receive 8 weeks of daily antibiotics at home. She is not anxious to venture outside even when I offer to take her places, she is depressed and quiet and it is almost as if I can see a part of her fading away daily.

Yes, mom is 80 years old but I am not ready for her to leave yet I need to face that this is where we are heading. The fight & perserverance she always had is not there anymore it is as though she is giving up.

Am I wrong at age 50 to still need my mommy? I don't want to lose her & it is HER I don't want to lose I am not even thinking of the prospect of losing my home & so many other things when she passes but I AM NOT READY TO LET GO OF MY MOM! It is so sad to watch this once vibrant woman who up until 7 months ago volunteered 5 days a week & ran around like the energizer bunny now giving up.

I feel as though I am losing a part of her every day & I AM NOT READY! I am scared on so many levels of losing her.

Thanks for listening.