I posted to you on the Insights thread, but wanted to send my hugs here, too. One of my dear friends who had a similar childhood to mine (and yours) said to me "who fixes us broken girls?" and I wish I knew the answer. I could have written many parts of your posts.

I chased love until my mother died. Now I still don't understand how my manipulative, abusive step-father deserved her love and protection more than her own children. I was blessed to have grandparents who loved me and I grew up OK because of them and in spite of my home life.

I do know that those wounds don't heal that easily. It has taken me years to realize that I did try hard enough and it wasn't my failure to own. I hope you find great peace because I know you need it and you deserve it.