I am sitting here at my desk in a small cubicle and I realized that my life will never belong to me. Here is a little background. I have recently be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am an American of Mexican decent but I was adopted at the age of 4 into an completely Caucasian family which none of my other siblings are adopted. I come from a very well to do family with members who have made hundreds of millions of dollars just to give you a reference. I am the youngest of four children and all my other siblings are women. I have an over bearing mother (who doesn't) and a father who is somewhat emotionally detached all together to men, but he loves women. I have attended some of the finest schools, most of which I was dismissed from due to my BPD. At the time I was not aware of my condition but needless to say I knew something was wrong. My parent consider me a failure in life even though I have never really failed at anything. I was always popular, a star athlete and I have left a string of detached relationships behind me.

Now back to present day. I currently work for my fathers' company and have been for nearly 3 years. I have not moved up much nor have I been offered the opportunity. Just recently I was offered the highest position a sales person could get, sales manager, but after my sister got divorce to her very wealthy husband she came back to work for my father and took my position. She is the golden child in the family so she feels entitled to do as she pleases. So now I am left with nothing but the idea that not much is going to change for me. I forgot to mention I was married now for almost two years. I married out of college and we have no children. I love my wife and would do anything for her.

But right now, this very moment in my life, I am so lost inside that its getting harder and harder to keep face. Everyone expects so much from me that I continue to act out a life that I don't really think is mine. All of my friends expect me to be successful, my family demands it of me, and my wife just wants me to be happy. Some might say I am one of those highly productive BPD's but I am not. I have just learned to keep everything inside so that it kills me slowly from the inside out. I can't handle it anymore. i just want to leave and get out of this place and the sad thing is that I don't care if I leave everyone behind, EVERYONE. I don't need them. I just need me to be happy. I have lived my entire life for someone else and here I am fighting against BPD by myself because everyone looks at me like I am trying to find an accuse for my failures and mistakes. I hate my family! And then moments later I will love my family. I don't have a family, they are not my blood, so who am I? I know my biological family, but they can't do anything for me. I feel responsible for them because they are not wealthy at all. Everyone carries burdens on their shoulders, but I have to carry mine with a ball and chain locked to my ankles. It's not fair and I just want to give it all up and disappear.