We knew we were blessed long before we walked into that place. I was raised on a reservation, and know personally the way the BIA works (bureau of indian affairs) which governs the land that the natives live on. I was raised in such stark poverty and hunger that it sometimes amazes me that I got any nutrition in my little body at all. If it were not for free lunches and free breakfast at school, I would have literally starved to death. I was unhappy when the weekends came because there was no food. Now the reservations have these massive casinos and some of them are using the money to make good advantage of it, and others have been mismanaged to the point of shame. I was a welcomed guest as a sister native and was treated to some of the finest they had to show. I remember going to that reservation just to play bingo and they used that bingo game as a way to stay afloat.

I have had the gift of discernment for many years. Maybe it was the way I was raised (then why doesnt my sister or brothers have it?) or maybe it was that I cared, and rolled up my sleeves to become part of the solution and not just part of the shouting crowds screaming about how unfair it all was, and shreiking about who was going to change it. I assumed if it was going to be changed, it would be US that changed it.

Going back to any rez tugged at my heart strings, because what used to be native owned, native run, and native managed is now sprinkled with commercialized products, stores, and items. you cant buy a real blanket there anymore, but you can buy a woolen blanket from pendleton. You cant buy a native made dream catcher, but you can buy a mass produced one. Made my heart hurt.

I have decided to donate the winnings to the local soup kitchen that serves many homeless in summer, winter and mud season here. NH is not the place you want to be homeless in the winter time. They do amazing work here, and I have ladled up more than a few gallons of soup in that kitchen personally. I thought it would be only fitting that it go to help many instead of helping only one.

Thanks for your thoughts on my trip. it really did open up my head, and my eyes, and my heart. I prayed for a distraction from my own sorrow, and I should have known the old adage of "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it." now I know I need to get back to the soup kitchen. I can ladle up soup even if I am blind.