YESTERDAY

apart from being teased about my jacket.... (post above) before, during and after lunch....... all day basically....

the work i was (trying) to do was not cooperating yesterday and things were getting less and less functional instead of more and more and i don't know why. stupid CASE tool. i hate case tools. it is buggy too. it told me some piece of SQL was invalid, so i pasted it into another tool and ran it and it did it - it was fine. their sample app has had its permissions changed so i can't do anything in there at all not even see it. i almost don't have permission to pzzz in this place... do not even administrator privs on my own machine - SUX - for a developer not to have admin privs.

then buncha jabs about consultants over lunch... they don't seem to last long. thanks. a marketing colleague asked with whom i worked and i said these guys and was zealously corrected... even though technically we are all in the same f'ing group. then, that person was informed that i was a consultant. smells like team spirit???

the day yesterday ended with an all-company get together at a nearby place they'd partly rented out.... i dont' know what the celebration was for. i was told/semi-invited. let's just say i was told by several colleagues in a way that seemed inclusive and i went. i wish i hadn't. they all know ppl there... ppl immediately scattered... i felt lost, i couldn't even find a SMALL plate for food.... i wasn't hungry. i found my boss and told him i was leaving and left.... after having to hunt for the exit in a panic... i was already tearing up, outside i just cried and cried all the way to the bus and almost all the way home, then started up again at home.

crying. that sums up my work experiences. even when ppl don't treat me as though incompent.

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TODAY

i got hit by a sudden migraine which i don't know whether to attribute to my cycle (i lost count for a few months) or if it's due to all the stress yesterday.

i called in sick. tomorrow i see pdoc and have to leave early. that is stressing me out. not sure how all this will go. i don't feel that pdoc is being a lot of help lately.

my head hurts again now so maybe it wasn't over. i will take more medication now since i just ate, before it has a chance to buid up. and get off the computer.

i just want to curl up and die.



~ waves ~