thank you both for being here (((Jude & Bizi))) and trying to encourage me. i am afraid today i am not sure how much courage i can conjure up.

i do not feel good.

Dear Bizi

i did not go back to work yet after the teasing and the social and what not. the "update" was just more info in general. did you read the today section? i am perplexed that you say i sound good after i said i just wanted to curl up and die.

Dear Jude

i am glad this is encouraging to you somehow.... i'm out "sick" again today. i had a nasty headache i can't identify. thought it was a sinus headache i my sleep area got filled with cigarette smoke... woke up and opened more windows to try and get rid of it, at the risk of letting more in (none of us smoke).... i get headaches from it. but docs have said that as long as sinuses are clear it is more likely a migraine variant. well whatever the heck it was got a little better by the time i could have left and arrived at work late.

the real reason i didn't go i think is resistance. fear. i don't want to go back there. because after i was dressed i went back into the bathroom and cried. i called in sick, took a lorazepam and slept more. i know if it felt comfortable going to work, though, i dould have got the headache under control. other than cleaning the air, i didn't try.

~ waves ~ not feeling good, nor like i'm handling anything, nor do i want to... except maybe more and more meds.......