hi no my headache is back i did not take anything with dinner to see... and 'ere she blows. so now i just shoveled some chicken down with 600mg ibuprofen for the night. i hope in the morning i will be ok. i will eat something and take a morning dose regardless of pain i think and take the stuff to work.

the anxiety is about feeling ridiculous. this is big for me. it is easy for me to end up feeling ridiculous. you cannot retrain all the scenarios there are too many. i want to retrain at the point of awareness, and anxiety. the point where i WON'T go to that place, WILL NOT, no way, no how, and freak out cry. the point where i take the lorazepam, but it isn't enough.

i tried to get pdoc to tackle it with me today, but he was more interested in the specific social interactions to do with the teasing about the jacket, which in this instance contributed to my overall discomfort. i understand the behavioral aspects i can use to help reduce their teasing, which will in the long run make me feel better.... BUT

doc, i need a short run additive to lorazepam to get me to work daily.

the consultant bit was a means of cutting me 'out' of the group... like saying she's not "really" one of us... i was appalled as i know it isn't always like that and perhaps others don't draw this line, but it still upseet me to have it pulled out, right after a dig at consultants... when i inquired the dig was they "don't last long" ... it has different and not very nice implications when you think about it. plus it is not other ppls business to disclose what type of contract i ahve with the company... sheesh he probably shouldn't have known but... who'd figure ... anyway.

~ waves ~