Cricket,
I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Although my marriage hasn't been going for as long as yours as stories sound very similar. We have two young children (both under four), I was a very active stay-at-home Mom. I would run 5m. daily, as my stress relief. My husband had his bowling leagues he enjoyed, as well as he occassionally "boys night" out. Then last April I had a shoulder surgery and our lives changes forever as I developed RSD/CRPS from the surgery. It has spread to my whole left arm and up to my neck, starting in my back. As you said 95% of the household duties now fall on my husband's shoulders, as well as being the only income for our family. I have recently applied for disability but have heard the process is long and difficult. The amount of stress it has added to his life is heatbreaking to see.
You are the first person that I have see talk openly about the painful effects of sex. I love my husband with all my heart and want to express that to him in every way possible. Also, the intimacy is such a special part of a marriage, and I feel that slipping away at times. How have you and your husband found ways to make it less painful? We try and have small intimate moments, my husband's love language is also physical touch. What do you do when the physical touch causes so much pain? We try and do little things like hold hands or pinch a butt cheeck now and then but it's just not the same. He's afraid to touch me, and likewise I'm afraid to have him touch me. I would love to hear anyone's ideas on how to create the intimacy without the pain....
Eli