No no no no! Not too much to ask!

Like Donna, I see in you "a very dynamic, savy woman," the kind who says things like annoise me. Hee-hee. Love it. Seriously funny. Normal.... Peaceful.... Certainly, such "ordinary" things ought to be within reach for such a woman.

I'm not sure I even know what "normal" is tho.

With all the meds you take, I can't help but wojnder how much of what you go thru is caused by side effects & interactions. Wish it were possible for you to detox completely.... I know, it's not.

But I know why you hate it, even tho it helps. I'm still new to the bi-polar dx. At first the drug was magic! Now, not so much. Side effects, & some days it's like I didn't take it. I'm just beginning to discover the manic me & have nothing to defend against it--nothing so far works. So....love\hate.

I've read the thread from "chaos" thru "oh boy.... " so I'll probably bounce around. I'm pretty beat up this week too. Hope I can make sense.

Do be very caution of melatonin. You are right, it's advised just shortterm to adjust inner clock of travelers; megadoses are used by oldsters but really not recommended. I've had 2 acquaintances end up with serious liver trouble because they'd take as much as 15 mg a night to get some sleep.

Have you ever used Bach floral essences? They used the principals of homeopathics but even massive doses aren't poison. There's 1 mix called Rescue Remedy. It's designed for the state you describe: irritable, tired, restless--unable to sleep. Don't think they specify irascible. They have a website. It worked for me for years. Sadly, guess I've used up my life quotient .

The noise thing I've had some experience with, thought different from yours. I have tinnitus (too many R&R bands) & the less background noise the more tinnitus. Depending on I-don't-know-what, my brain will turn this into the sounds of distant rebellious/angry crowds or discordant distant musical-ish noise. I can't usually go around with headphones (need to be conversation-ready), so I've learned to meditate. It's what Mari wrote, but I don't use the literal message--I'm happy to achieve simple noise cancellation. I set a piece of music or any set sound, e.g. poetry, on a loop. It's got to be something I can tolerate! It's sorta the principle of that tune you can't get out of your head....but I don't want to get it out. It keeps wiping things clean. I like it best with a musical phrase, no lyrics. Words are what I'm usually trying to get away from.

I'm afraid I am laughing (nervously) reading about your "getting really really really up on a high horse and quitting my job because someone or something ****** me off (AGAIN... it would be the THIRD time )" -- OMG THAT'S ME! Well, I haven't quit recently, but only because I'm 65 now & nobody here's getting work so what are the odds I'm gonna find another job at my age NONE 2 ZERO .

Is a trip necessary, if it adds to the stress? Just not having to go to work might be vacation enough, enough of a break. I worry about all these opposites you feel, like whirlwind & stuck. Getting aggressive isn't good. It can't feel good. Maybe if you could take those 2wks & keep them as stress free as possible, it might be overall more refreshing.

Oh, yes, it makes sense. The suicidal thoughts too. I'm glad you say "not intent." But of course you want it to stop. If you didn't, that would be....

....okay, now, let's say this together, shall we?

If you didn't want it to stop, that would be CRAZY!


love & hugs