It's okay...

Totally understandable.

Seriously, have you tried venting by maybe getting out, in your vehicle maybe, and just screaming a time or two.

Post a few times, even if it's just a quick post.

You probably need someone to talk with, several times a day.

Perhaps you may need several different people to help you though some of it.

How about a counselor? A good nurse? friend? and yes, cyber friends are great. They will come along. Keep posting and looking around.

Do you have a person who can deal with some or all of this?

You are in a pickle.

And the downside to not having surgery right now is?????

If you're as bad off as you sound, you're not doing too good right now by any stretch or an imagination. I'm sure your boys have been a big help.

Do write down your concerns, as there would be many, and address them as you can get answers for them.

Post some questions here.

Hang in there. ((()))

One day at a time. One issue at a time.

Yoga and deep belly breathing may help you get a relaxed moment or two in.